This is me!

Am I as pretty as you are?

2011-11-09T15:21:00.000-08:00

Who do you compare your self to? What is your standard of being pretty? I was feeling bored and quite frustrated with my hair. I decided just go for it and cut my hair, it was just a couple inches no big deal. I came out and asked Cera if I was as pretty as her? Now before I get into her response, let me say that I believe my daughter is so beautiful. I love her and her style. What would make her prettier than me? Simple answer the effort she puts into her beauty. She gets up every morning and does her hair and makeup before school. I get up and put my hair into a ponytail, she has a drawer full of make-up and I am usually just wearing chap-stick. How stupid is it to think that someone is better than you when your not putting in the same effort they are? So am I as pretty as my daughter? Yes..more like she is as pretty as me. When I put in the effort.

Just done with all the negative.

2011-10-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

I hate the expression sick and tired. If i am sick of course I am going to be tired but here is the point of this blog/rant. I am sick of this. What is this you ask? This is my current state of being. I have allowed my self to get into a funk and as a result I am, tired, unmotivated and just all around lazy. Here is the catch I know that things are not as bad as they seem but if i change them what will I have to wallow in? What will I have to complain about? If there is nothing to complain about what will I do? I HATE asking for help and those of you that know my mom can take that as I am my mothers child. Here is the thing recently I am being forced to ask for help. Like rides here and there, rides for Cera to and from school, getting my lesson materials printed and a few others, I get it GOD it is ok to ask for help.

I am sick of me! I am sick of being so overweight that my clothes fight back. I have busted through 2 pairs of jeans in the thigh and 2 pairs of work pants. I cant find my patches to fix them and more it makes me sad to have to have to fix them. I don't want to be in this body I want a better one. I know it is there and I know that I can do the work. i once walked to when I could not get a ride and I did it in 40mins. I was not exhausted I was not out of breath I actually felt great. That night I knew I was capable of doing the work and now find my self frustrated for the lack of motivation. What am I missing where does that part come from? So I decided last night that starting on the first.I am going to start. Why the first ? why not right now well I am going to make changes right now but the bigger things the big idea's require some dollars and I am budgeting for them on the first or there abouts. I'll keep you posted and let you know more as it happens. I am choosing to be better. What kinds of choices do you want to change? How could you be a better you?

I hurt my self... for more years than I should have.

2011-10-21T11:12:00.000-07:00

Here it is this is the truth and I am sorry that it hurts but all this stuff has been rattling around inside of my head and going anywhere and every time I think I am done, every time I think that I am over you I realize just how much I still hurt. Because of me. I can blame you all I want to but in reality I am the one to blame for my hurt. I am the one that choose to keep seeing you. I am the one that kept telling my self just a lil bit long and you'd be mine. Then I was the one that made it ok that our relationship was
just physical. I was the one that told you although I wanted another child, not just any child but yours and was will to give up that dream for a time. I was the one that pulled away after realising that I could not let go of that dream. I hoped to one day be your wife. I thought I could be your friend. I cant, I don't want to be. I don't want to know how happy you are.

Music has a way of holding on to memories and this one holds a lot of mine about us.

I was so happy the day that I heard this song and I did not cry my eyes out. I did and for ever will think of you when I hear this song. There was along time in our history that I was that girl in the beginning and I never thought that I would get to to were I could be strong enough to not have some kind of relationship with you. I thought that some of you was better than none. I was wrong.

I apologize to the other woman in your life for the last 15 or so years. I was so very wrong for loving him as I did. I had no right to. I will forever be sorry for being a cause of hurt to you.

I don't blog very often...

2011-07-14T01:46:00.000-07:00

I realised that I don't blog very often or nearly as often as I would like to. I have started making notes about things that I want to blog about but then the notes get lost or I forget to put it into my phone where it will not get lost. Here are the recent ones that I can remember.

One Sunday morning in church one of my pastors children was needing special attention but service was about to start all the child needed to do was go from the platform to their seat. Some where in the middle it was decided that dad was more important than sitting down. So PT opened service with his child standing behind him and all I could think about was how we as children of God can seek comfort and safety in our father. That our heavenly father is never too busy to love.

The second thing happened today, Cera has a friend who has a baby, a guy friend. He does not seem to have any interest in Cera but I could not help thinking about it. How would I feel if my daughter was dating a teen dad? I am I a hypocrite for thinking that I would not be very comfortable with it. Yet I was once a teen mom and had very few dates. Does being a teen dad make him more responsible or seem more reckless? Does evidence of him having had unprotected sex at least once mean that it he could/would do it again? What about him having a baby and being friends with Cera makes me uncomfortable?

Notes to myself...

2011-06-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

Have not blogged in a while and I feel bad about that but oh well. I am completely convinced that I have a OCD personality type. Only for the things that interest me though.
   Ahh I am supposed to be sleeping but these summer days are kicking my butt! Please pray that I get the Job at the portrait studio!!! I would love to work days again! I'll keep you posted.
   Oh I no longer have a boyfriend. I think it may be for the best but we are going to stay friends. I was texting someone new but he got all sexual on me and that was the end of that. I have been thinking of M. lately but that will pass. My thoughts always go to him this time of year. Pray for a new distraction.
   I love my little's (livewire Jr's) more and more each week. I am looking forward to going to camp with the big ones, being on the mountain is always such a blessing. Pray that I can get my life in order there is less and less chaos every day and I am thankful for that but miss the mundane.
Oh and new pic's i need to post new pic's of baby girl and I.

Things....

2011-06-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

I have had some hurts lately that prevented me from blogging here, yes I have another blog and no you can not have the address. I have very crazy thoughts and desires and I have been coming to terms with really loosing a love. Not just one but 2. I don't know what I thinking but I apparently thought very wrong. I am at a point of not knowing what direction I am going in and it is not just me that I have to think about.

Cera told me things last week that me wanting to commit murder! Not her but to someone that hurt my baby.

I have decided that I do need to do something important with my life and I am going to go back to school. I love love my Sunday school kids and I know more than ever that that is what I am supposed to be doing. I love teaching them I love the art projects I love the hugs and I love the fun that we have and consider it a huge privilege to be their teacher. I may come home and pass out every Sunday afternoon but they are worth it!

God blessed me with one beautiful baby who is greater than I could have ever expected her to be! I will say that I want more and have come to terms with the reality that may never happen. I promised God that if I could not give birth to another child than I was going to love every single one I could, but it still hurts a little when I am told that I should just have another baby like I don't want that with every fiber of my being.

Next year is going to be so awesome and no I am not trying to get this year over but I am speaking life into the future just as I do every year.

This one has been full of up's and downs and it is just barely past the halfway point! It can only get better!

God has given me amazing friends! I love Tisha and Melissa, I love Melissa for opening up her home and now I have these other wonderful women to call my friends. Thank you God for Jesus Girls!

K, enough rambling.

The FB post that became a blog..AKA Thank you Darci!

2011-03-10T12:49:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wanted to post something on FB and realised that the amount of space you have to share what is on your mind is just not big enough? Well that was today for me.thankfully I have this handy blog that I can link back to FB !! I was sitting on the couch enjoying my day off feeling kinda bummed out because i was tuck in the house, then I read this post from my friend Darci thanking God for how beautiful today is. I had not thought of that, what is it like outside? could it really be as nice as Darci was making it out to be? I got up opened the back door and what do you know it is AMAZING outside. I immediately grabbed my blanket and my bible and headed for the back yard here's the thing it's too warm for sweats!! I know great right? So i run back in to grab some shorts and decide that i will just put the sundress that I bought last year on sale on. See I avoid the scale so I don't know how much but I do know that I have lost weight from last summer so the dress looks even better!! yea!!!Because I could not post all of my excitement on FB so I came here !!! Thank you Darci for brightening up my day!!

This and that...

2011-03-04T17:05:00.000-08:00

This and that there are so many different things going through my mind right now that this and that seems to be a pretty good title. So here goes...

Back in September on 09 I made a list of 35 things to do before turning 35. I called it 35 before 35 and well I was looking for a completely different blog post that no longer exists I paused to look and see if I had completed any thing on the list and well I have done 8 of the 35.(16,22,23,24, 26,28 1,3)

I love my Herrera babies! I think I tell them often enough that they should know it. I finally planned another day with my Adi. I took Cera, Adi and Joe (not a Herrera) to the Aquarium of the Pacific I thought it was kinda cool but I was a little disappointed at the otter exhibit. After we went to the beach and I we took more pic's there.

I love this one of Adi and I and I realised that it is almost the same pose as a picture I took of us before. Here is a recent more recent one of Delana or Berry! She is so super cute! Wait a sec! There are no pictures of me and the Herrera boys??? I will fix that and post them here. I love you Domi!

So that is a little of this and a little of that!

What I found in spilled milk....

2011-02-08T08:41:00.000-08:00

     OK so I know it is a strange title but here me out on this one. I started reading this book M2C and I have been learning alot about me and my relationship with God bit also about my relationship with food. Here it is I love food it has been my encourager, my comforter and my friend for may years. I had a bad day at work and thought oh I'll stop on my way home and get some doughnuts that will make me feel better. Really doughnuts are going to make me feel better? I begun to think about all interactions with food. Oh I have been really good these last few days I can have an ice cream.How was rewarding my self with food a reward? It wasn't. Now part of my job is to make the checkout isles clean and presentable, so yes I touch and arrange the candy all night long. Reese's peanut butter cups mini's any one? They make it so easy you don't even have to take the wrapper off.

     I have been telling my self no that I am worth more than the reward of a doughnut. I have also been more aware of what it is I am putting into my body. Here is the honest truth of it, the author she goes all the way with it no sugar no carbs, me not so much. Not that I don't think I could give that much up , But because I want to make a lifestyle change that I know I can stick to for the rest of my life. My LONG, LONG healthier life!!

     Here is where the milk comes in. At work we have these turnstiles we use to help bag the groceries. I will set the milk on top if you say that you don't want it in a bag so that it is easier to grab.Last night I did that with unexpected results. The milk fell off hit the floor and broke open covering my left leg in cold white milk. After the mess in cleaned up and my relief as returned I go look for another pair of pants in my size and price range. I only found one pair a 18. I know that going from 20 to an 18 that I did not have to wiggle into and hold my breath to zip up may not seem like a big deal but to me it is. I have not been a size 18 in at least the last 5 years. Had that man not spilled his milk I would have never gotten that encouragement that I am doing the right thing that I am on the right track. So that was the high of my day.

     Also I decided that I wanted an apple corer/slicer thing that I saw at Melissa's. I knew that it was possibly out of my price range because at this point my cc had like $3.80 apple corer thing $3.98. I got it any way and as I walked to the checkout I said god I really am trying to eat healthier please let my discount card take off enough that I can get this thing. Well it did not I needed 9 cents!! I only had a penny but I looked in a pocket of my wallet and there it was a dollar!! I said out loud thank you lord I needed that dollar. Guess what the cashier looked at me like I was crazy! I am crazy and it sure is fun!!

Me and Made To Crave...

2011-02-08T07:55:00.000-08:00

     OK so here I go on this journey and I am taking you with me. Who exactly am I taking you dear reader and of course.Now how often you come back and read this well that is up to you. I am doing something positive to make a permanent positive impact on my life and my spiritual walk. The book Made to Crave or MTC as I will call it is not just about a diet plan, it is a honest hard look at what you desire, what your made to desire and what your filling that space up with instead of God. This is my starting point of not just smaller clothes but a larger relationship with God. Today I am 227lbs. I remember when I was a smaller size and a smaller weight and getting to be over 200lbs was the scariest monument of my life. I was pregnant still felt that anything over 200 was just too big.

     Let me explain something first. I don't judge others the same harsh way I judge myself. I grew up with my mom constantly on one diet or another. I grew up with a mom that I could not wrap my arms around and hug her. I saw every day how much of a struggle her weight was for her and I saw how people looked at her and I never wanted those hateful judging eyes on me. Yet here I am, yes I have been told that I carry my weight well or I don't look like the number that the scale says. For that I am grateful. I once auditioned for one of those make over things, you know where a surgeon makes you smaller. I was REJECTED because I have too much self confidence I was too happy!! I am happy with me, I know I can be better but I have learned to be happy with me. I can do something that some of my friends can't, I can stand in front of the mirror naked. Sounds simple but have you ever tried it? Stand in front of your mirror for at least one minute and really look at your self. Tell your self that you are beautiful!!

     Here is the interesting part of all of this, yes this book seems to be aimed at the craving of food and believe me I am dealing with that one but there is a bigger more personal craving that I am looking to hand over to God and not take back. Will this book help with food yes, will it apply to the many other area's of ungodly craving? I sure do hope so.

Stuff

2011-01-18T12:33:00.000-08:00

I Love the sound of motorcycles even ones that are not his...
I Love that you get mad and write about it on your blog instead of telling me.
I Love that you think I can do anything.
I Love how much stronger I am with out him.
I Love my daughter, and sister more than they know.
I Love my mom.
I Love my friends and am looking forward to making new ones when bible study restarts.
I Love my church family
I Love opening all the blinds and doors to let the outside in.
I Love walking down the Valentine isles at work they make me smile.
I Love....YOU!

What if men were like Salad Dressing?

2010-12-27T08:28:00.000-08:00

I know it is a completely crazy thought, but it is a funny one as well. Here is the story. I am fixing the dressing isle and because it is a solitary kind of thing my mind just wonders. I was fixing the Russian, the Italian and of course the French when the idea came to me. I pictured tall man in a red coat for the Russian, a handsome man with dark hair and dark eyes was the Italian. What about the other's would Cesar be like Cesar in a white toga and a crown of leaves, would thousand island be be a tall dark man much like those in Jamaica?What about the Ranch? Would that be a cowboy? If so what does fat free ranch look like? Ranch with bacon? There is Blue Cheese dressing, do I like silly cheesy men? Extra Virgin Olive Oil? The possibilities are very comical. Just saying.

My Husband

2010-12-21T17:34:00.000-08:00

     So let me start off by saying to those that do not know.. I am NOT currently married. There I said it. I am 32 and single. Not in a bad way single but to the point that I am ready to got to the next step.
     Am I getting married next year VERY doubtful but I would like to be on the path to that. I do not believe that we were created to live alone. I just don't. I have married and failed at it 3 times in the past. I know that the past is gone and there is nothing I can do about those mistakes.
     Here is the difference. I have spent time in counseling figuring me out finding out why it is I DID the things that I DID. Notice there I I said did not do because i have changed and there for the outcome will change. I have wished for a mate, I have longed for a mate, I have also dreamed of him.
     The thing that I never did before was pray for him. sounds simple right but it is not. Giving God the desire of your heart and not taking it back. Is hard. I know that I can meet a man, at work online at the gas station and well even on the freeway but in looking am i doing it God's way? Am I looking in the places of his choosing? I talked to God about this once or twice before in the past year once while praying at church, with a completely open heart, to me it was such an audible voice saying 'Your husband is here" that I honestly opened my eyes and looked for who could have said it. Only recently in giving this desire to God did I realise that he needs to to be first in my life and then the physical husband will be given to me.
     Here is where I am, I cried for him last week while sharing with the girls at bible study. I currently pray for my husband not just at night or in the morning, but throughout the day. Today I prayed that God would keep him safe as he travels the freeways. Yesterday I asked God to bless his day and let him feel the joy of the holiday's. I don't know who it is I am praying for, but I do hope that with continued prayer that I will find out soon.

A Year in review....Or a year in the rearview.

2010-12-10T13:24:00.000-08:00

Well as another year finally comes to a close I am happy to report that I am still alive. I am healthy and content. I know that happy is just around the corner and I can't wait to make that turn. I have made a rough year for my self. I say that I made it because well I made a lot of the choices. There is always the rule of cause and effect but what is to be done if I am the cause? So I am going to review my posts from the last year and see if there is anything new that I can gain from them. I mean I know we should learn from our mistakes, I know we should leave or behind in the past wait that's wrong it is leave the past behind. i just don't want to keep going through the same things over and over again.
So On the positive I have gained a closer relationship with Cera who I adore. Although she thinks i love the Herrera Kids more than her I don't. She is mine and I love her in all her awesomeness. I have gained a closer relationship with Tisha. She has been one to hold my hand during the really tough parts of the year. I have come out of my shell a little more and now have what I call my frazzled sisters. We met and talk mommy stuff and have bible study. I love going and I love each and every one of them for opening up in group and letting me be open with them. I am a Sunday school teacher once again! It is a job that I love and cherish. I guess calling it a job is not accurate because I love it so much. Speaking of work, I got a job. Yes it is wal-mart and no it was not part of my long term plan but I am making decent money and that is what I need to get my family back on track. Just as the blessing's were so awesome and wonderful there were some losses that I took.

I lost my relationship with god for a few months this year and never before has it been so devastating to take my eyes off of him. I lost a good friend and her children when a friendship ended. It was my doing and my choices that caused that to happen but that did not make it hurt any less. I suffered the loss of my vehicle due to a cracked head. That was disappointing because I felt like it was a loss of freedom when it wasn't. My church as a whole felt the pain of death twice this year. The first was lil Micah. He was just short of 4 months old we had just started to love him and get to know him. He was gone to soon, then there was the loss of Victoria. I will be honest I did not know her well but her children I do know and those boy's are a blessing to have in class. I can not even imagine the things their father goes through with them at home.

I know that I am looking to the new year to be full of promises fulfilled and blessings being pored out, I also know that everything I have gone through this year and the years before are preparing me for the blessings and the burdens that I will face full of faith and stronger than ever before.

Happy 2010!

Enough is enough!

2010-11-19T17:08:00.000-08:00

Enough is enough! I am thankful for so many things each and every day a lot of it revolves around my daughter the love of my life, being alive and the many things that I say thank you to the lord for in the exact minute that I become thankful for it,
Today I am just so heart broken that I don't know what to write about. Yesterday the youth pastors of my church gave their lil baby boy back to God. I don't know all the details but I don't understand the death of a baby. I know that they are a gift from god, I know this family did everything by the bible. I know what loss feels like, I gave my mother back to the lord, a little more than a year later my uncle went home to the Lord as well. I know the pain of a miscarriage, I know the pain of a finding out that a pregnancy test is a false negative. But to have a new child and all the joy that comes with that, loving that new little life doing everything to protect it and then to have to give it back.That is what I don't understand. I know that the same comforter that came to me during the loss of my mother will come and comfort this family. Only God know the answer to the question... Why???

Baby Micah passed away at 6:30 this evening

after a valiant fight.

Pastor Mike and Britt are strong in faith but naturally grieving

I will pass on further information on Sunday morning.

Please allow them privacy and time to mourn,

They feel and appreciate your love and support and

Your sensitivity is needed at this time.

Thank you for being a wonderful church family!

P.T.(Nov 18, 2010)

Day 18!! Is'nt that something to be thankful for?

2010-11-18T19:50:00.000-08:00

So today I want to be thankful for something a little unusual. I am thankful that God made me a girl. Yea you read that correctly.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. ~Aristotle Onassis

     No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not. ~H.L. Mencken

     I am happy that I am a girl. As a Girl/Woman I get to be meny great and wonderful thing. Like I get to be a mommy (weather by birth or adoption). Some of us girls are blessed with getting to feel the magic of life growing inside of us. As women we also get to dress all up with nails and hair and make-up. We get to own more shoes than any man has ever thought necessary. What about jewelry?? For ages and ages we have gotten to wear pretty sparkles. We are the nurturer of the house hold. We are often the CEO of our family's. Making sure that every one is feed, clothed, warm, home work done, taxi driver and vacation planner. There are very few things that go on in a home that mom does not know about.

     It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman. ~Alexandre Dumas

     Being a woman has it's, well I don't want to say negatives but I will say that it does come with some hardship. There is the monthly visitor, there is pain in childbirth, there is the fight to be seen as equally valuable in the work force. I know that women's rights are important, I also believe that there should be a return to chivalry.

     Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. ~Bill Maher

     Men need to step up and be men so that women can be women and not have to do a man's job.Women enjoy your beauty! Because you are a gift to man. Seriously...

     The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself. ~Elizabeth Metcalf

     A husband only worries about a particular Other Man; a wife distrusts her whole species. ~Mignon McLaughlin

Day 17 and Bannana's!

2010-11-17T17:12:00.000-08:00

See how far we have come, 17 day's wow! I know I am just as impressed with my self as you are. Now lets add to this list and I cant because Cera is cracking me up by singing along with the bannana song.... I dare you click the link and not laugh!!Now she calling her friends and insted of saying hello she hits play on the stupid song. Leaving it on voice mails if they dont answer but dancing every time that she plays the stupid song!
Anyways on to other things! To day I am thankful for the sun. I know that right now we have a little less daylight but that does not stop me from opening the bllinds every morning and enjoy every bit I can. I love watching the sun rise as much as I love watching it set!

Thanksgiving Day 16

2010-11-16T13:15:00.000-08:00

Day 16 Yea!! I can not believe that i have made it this far, I know that there is something to be thankful for every day and in reality I am usually thankful for the same things every day. So lets do a recap and see what I have chosen to be thankful for so far.

Forgiveness
Transportation
Friends...
See # 3 Yea I know that I was combining days and as you will see I do it more than once.
CERA!!! I love her and am thankful for her every day!
Got lost
Got lost
Courtney! My lil sister given to me by my mom.
Waking up every day and other random things.
DRAMA!! oh the things i have learned from drama...
My new job.Yes after being unemployed for almost a year I got a J-O-B!
Melissa, My sister given to me by God
My Momma, I miss her but I know she is dancing in heaven so I will see her again. What a comfort that is.
Tisha, My bestie and other sister given to me by God. Although I did wonder the other day why is it that Tisha and Melissa never became as close, I spent so much time with both of them growing up and yet they hardly ever hung out...strange. (Yes Katie I knew you first but you lived so far away! I love you though.)
You. I know it may seem like I was tring to take a short cut, maybe I was or maybe I was trying to include all my readers. The one's in Asia, The UK, California, Tennessee, Kentucky,those in Florida, and of course Canada!!
Wait that is today! OMG...What to be thankful for today? I don't know I get back to you on that one, really it is Cera again but I am going to think of something else so maybe I should call this post part 1?

Day 15

2010-11-15T18:25:00.000-08:00

You... Today I am thankful for you!!

You guessed it Day 14!

2010-11-14T20:38:00.000-08:00

Oh were to begin this one?Writing has become an easy thing, and getting into the habit of writing every day has greatly helped. Today's subject is super easy to write about. Although I think it was kinda cool that her day fell on the 14th. Today I am thankful for my other best friend.

Tisha

Lets see where do we start this story at? We met about 22 years ago at a bus stop. I was hoping to say that it was on 14th street but I don't think that it was. I was living at the Super 8 motel something that I did not tell any of my friends. We had just moved from Hemet. I don't know how the friendship started, I do know that I started getting off the bus at Tisha's stop. I would walk the extra block in the morning so that we got to sit next to each other on the way to school. Now it just seems like she has always been there, mostly because she always has. Except for that one summer, see we got in trouble for having boys over while my mom was at work and for punishment we could not see each other for almost all summer. I wanted to DIE! Summer's were usually spent at one another house and we hated being separated. Tisha is the one i could count on to talk me out of the crazy things I wanted to do.We cried when I moved to Indiana not knowing that less than a year later I would be back.We roller skated all over this town. She was there when my little one was born more than that she went to Lamaze classes with me at the hospital! She was there when I met one my first serious boyfriends. I call her grandparents mine. I don't think I have ever called her mom by her first name, I have seen her get married and got to be in the wedding, I have watched the joy and frustrating days of buying her first house. I love her not just for being there for me but for the amazing person that she is. She is strong and loving, I know that I love her more than I could possibly write about. She is my other sister chosen by God.

Thank you God for Tisha!

30 days of Thanksgiving days 12 & 13 (yes I am doing combo days!)

2010-11-13T14:10:00.000-08:00

Mit and her Family!

Here is the thing I am a working lady now and yesterday I barely had time to sleep let alone time to sit down and blog. I am still tired and think that 1pm is just too soon to be awake! I know that sleep is important but other things are important too. I love going to bible study! I love connecting with women from my church in an intimate way. Besides that how often do I get to sit around and talk about personal issues, parenting issues and what God has taught me through that weeks study. I know that our study group is small, I like that way but more than that I am so proud of Melissa for taking such a great big step of faith and opening up her home. I love that girl, and am proud of you Mit!! Yep you guessed it Melissa is my day 12! Come on she has known me for the last 23 years at least and only one other person has known me that long. (She gets her shout out tomorrow on day 14.)Melissa and I met through or mom's and well even when they were not getting along we were!! We had our babies in our tummies at the same time giving us another thing to talk about. Melissa was/ is my role model even though she does not think she should be. See why I love her! I love her babies, my daughter teases me that I love them more than her, I don't but I love them just as much! Mit I know your not perfect and I never expect you to be.Thank you for being my friend and secret keeper, thank you for letting me love your babies and thank you for loving mine!

So day 13 being what today is and all I have to say that I am thankful for my mom. I am thankful that she gave me life. Today 2 years ago she went home to be with the lord. I don't like to get sad on this day because, that is being selfish. I know she is in heaven, I know she is no longer in pain, I know that to be sad is to deny the amazing power of God.

Now this is my own personal opinion and it may not be yours. Yes I do miss her, yes loosing her was hard and I did things on my own that day that no person ever should have to. She made me strong she made be able to do all that I do.I love my mom for who she was not who I thought she should be. Mistakes and all I love my mom!

Day 11...See I told you I can count.

2010-11-11T19:09:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for my job. I will admit that I was a little scared. How do you go to a place every day where you know that there are people there who do not like you. the answer is you pray, and then you pray some more. Seriously. I am doing this Frazzled female bible study and this week it is about people who get on your nerves. I have learned a lot during this study but more than anything I have learned about the power of prayer. Only you care about the things that you care about, the only one that cares more than you is God, you have to tell him. Sure he knows just like I know when my daughter has a bad day, just like I know when I need to buy my daughter new clothes but it is always helpful if she tells me.So I guess that today's gratitude goes to God and his amazing ability to listen to me.

30 Days of Thanksgiving Day 10

2010-11-10T16:30:00.000-08:00

So first of let me say to you that yes I do know how to count. I know that you may think that I skipped a few days and I would simply as you to scroll down to yesterday's post where I covered missing days. I also know that I promised you an awesome blog today and I think that this subject should do it. Today I am thankful for...

DRAMA

Yes I did just say that I was thankful for drama. Scratching your head wondering why? Here it is, without drama you and I would never know how people really feel about a situation. Drama can show us who our real friends are, drama can show us who can be counted on. Drama tends to shake things up. For example well I can't give and example. You think of one. Has there been a time when dram separated you from someone? Has there been a time that someone stood by you that you did not expect? Has there been a time that someone else was going through something and you realised how much you did or did not care about that person? Can you now see the positive side of drama? I can, I have and I do! Just as a side note although we learn things by dealing with our drama don't go making unnecessary drama because just like the boy who cried wolf people will get tired of hearing about the mess you got YOURSELF into!

30 days of thanksgiving....lost day's

2010-11-09T16:12:00.000-08:00

Hi there my name is Jessica and I am a procrastinator. I think I am supposed to be writing for day 8 but I and running out of things to be thankful for. OK not things that I am thankful for but the pressure to think of one thing every day is actually kinda hard. I so here is a small list to hopefully make up for the missed days. Are you ready? Here Goes...

I am thankful for every day. I know that it sounds kinda cheesy but really I am thankful for every day that I get to wake up.

I am thankful for the birds that wake me up.

I am thankful for all my friends! Each and every one.

I am thankful for all kinds of stuff that my brain is currently blocking but that is OK because I am now caught up and tomorrow I will write an amazing blog about..... you guessed it something great! Maybe even you!!

Ok so I am a little behind.... 30 days of Thanksgiving.

2010-11-08T17:28:00.000-08:00

Lol how can I say that and not laugh. Me I don't have any where near a little behind. OK enough of that. I am supposed to write about 2 things that I am thankful for so here go's.

Courtney

First off I am thankful for my sister, she is annoying and spoiled rotten and wonderful and I love her. I am the reason that she is spoiled rotten. I was an only child for ten years and then I decided that I wanted a sister, and what's a girl to do?I begun praying for a little sister every night. Then one day my mom told me that she was going to have a baby. I knew I was getting my sister!! She was born on September 16th 1988. I will not go into the bad parts of her birth but I was so happy she was here. When she first came home I would wake up feed her and change her all before going to school. My mom just thought she was a really good baby! LOL I remember playing Super Mario with her, I remember her just being a cute lil kid that always had a hug and a smile for her sister. Now she is 22 still beautiful and still always has a hug and a smile for me. I have watched her graduate high school, go to college and move out and live with a roommate of her choosing. I am always proud of her and am looking forward to what ever it is that she decides to do next.

30 Day of Thankfulness Day 5

2010-11-07T00:19:00.000-07:00

People are generally thankful for a lot of things and I have covered just and few of the things that I am thankful for and I call them things because they are not things that can be touched. Well here is something that I am thankful for and it is not a thing it is a person. Today that person is my baby girl Cera.

Wow there is so many things about her that I could say I am thankful for. She saved me when she was born from a life of who knows what. I was on a very terrible path of drinking and anything else that goes with it. I was surprised to find that she was there growing inside of me. I also knew that I had to be different for her. I wanted to be able to be a good example to her. I stopped smoking, I stopped drinking an let go of some friends. I made sure to graduate from high school because I did not want it to even seem like she prevented me from doing something. I took her to college with me, I wanted to be a mom that she could be proud of. I know that parenting is not a popularity contest and there are days that she does not like me and that is just simply when I am being a parent.

I am proud of her, she is smart, caring and has a heart for people. She get hurt often and still gives people the benefit of the doubt that this time this person will be different. She is in honors English, she is taking Spanish and loves it. She is faithful to her boyfriend that lives in Wasco. (They met at camp). I love that she tell me when we are getting to busy and that is causing distance. I love that she has a blog and in it tells just how it feels to be in high school all the good and the bad!(Now the only thing that I ask of you dear reader if you choose to click her name and go to her blog don't judge her, yes she does use a few cuss words.)I love how creative she is. I love my baby, I love my daughter, I love my teen. I LOVE CERA!! I am thankful for her!

30 Days of thanksgiving~ Day 3 & 4

2010-11-05T22:09:00.000-07:00

Ok So I have admitted before that I am terrible at blogging and for that very reason I am behind schedule. Here is the funny part both days I am thankful for the same thing.

Friends

My first Ladies Retreat!

DYAO addition's & new friends!

Yes friends, I will start with Thursday. Thursday was a bad day, Tisha woke up late, Cera missed the bus I missed the bus and well the morning was not off to a good start. So I walk up to another bus stop and am waiting and waiting knowing that 830 is getting closer and closer and the bus is not coming meaning I either missed that one as well or it was terribly late. I did not want to be late for my first day of work. I did the only thing I could think of was to start praying, I said God send me a friend or send me the bus. I look over and there at the coroner is Becca waving at me!! I dried my tears and asked her if she had time to take me to the shell station completely planning to walk the rest of the way. Nope Becca took me all the way there!! Day 3 Goes to Becca!! She did not know what a blessing she really was to me until that night when I gave her a shout out on Facebook.

My friend and our babies at promotion!

Day 4 goes out to my bible study ladies! I have enjoyed the last couple weeks not just for the study, but for the friendships that I am making. I will be honest here. I keep myself from making friends, its not that I don't want them I want friends but I have what I will call too much drama. The less people know about me the less that they have to judge me on. I know real friends don't judge you, but the longer you are friends with someone the more they learn about your past and the last thing I want is that so I do not talk, I may type about some of it but I don't talk about it. I don't talk to hardly anyone. The ones that I do talk to I have known since childhood. Here is my new discovery some one else may be where I once was and if I keep it all to my self how am I helping ? I cant I am not, and that is wrong. So I'm not if I have been through something and I can tell you it will be OK, I will share with you how I made it through and be a sounding board for ideas for you to get through the situation. I will for now and forever be a better friend!!

Pinky Promise.

30 Days of Thanksgiving Day 2~ Transportation!!

2010-11-03T17:12:00.000-07:00

As most of you may know I am currently with out a vehicle. It stinks I loved the freedom of having my own car. I will admit that having to live with out one for the last almost 7 months has taught me a few things.

1. I have a clear addiction to red cars!
2. I do not take good care of them like I should!

OMG! Did I just admit that? Yes I did. I told the honest to good goodness truth. Yes I do, the oil changes and put gas in it and wash it but that is the extent. I can say this with a honest heart I do not have a car because I was not a good steward over it. As a result I take the city bus everywhere. OK almost everywhere..lol it does not go to Legacy and for that I am grateful for all the rides and times of borrowed cars. Back to riding the bus, so on the bus I have met some of the most interesting people. There is a woman who is at best guess 95. No lie!! She talks about her son who is in his 70's! She is all there but does not drive. I have ridden the Cabazon bus with people from Street life and I have said hi a couple of times although not as often as I should. I have seen teen boys give up their seats for elderly women, teens help a mom and her kids get their groceries off the bus. I have held a sleeping baby so a woman could get her children and groceries on the bus. There have been so many acts of kindness that I have seen that I would have other wise missed. I am thankful for the city bus, that it is there and that it has allowed me to continue my job search! Today I am grateful for the transportation that I do have!

30 Days of Thanksgiving Day 1

2010-11-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

So First of all I am doing this along with my friend Melissa (click her name to see what she is thankful for). I told her i would join her in this because it sounds like a good idea, and I love Mit and support her as much as I can. So that being said I hope that you will check up on both of us during these next 30 days and if you are moved to do so join as as well!

I know that I am thankful for people and places and friends and I will talk about each one at a time. There is something that everyone has given me at one time or another and I have needed it and appreciated it more than words on paper could describe.

Forgiveness

On this day this first day I want to show my gratitude for that. I was forgiven by God first. There is and was no greater gift than that. I will not go into detail about the forgiveness that I have received from friends and family for this said or things done. Those all are all in the past and it seems just a little counterproductive to bring them up again. Just know this simple thing I am grateful for forgiveness that I have received for things great and small.

I know that the kitten is all cute and cuddly, but the message is what got me. I have apologised for more things than I can remember and I am glad that I cant remember all of them Here is the point. How often you ask for forgiveness? How often do you forgive those that have hurt you? I know I sometimes have forgiven the person even before they asked. That was for me to let go and get passed it. Sometimes that's what is best for me. I can only hope that I ask for forgiveness as often as I can.

What is Family?

2010-10-29T17:16:00.000-07:00

I am always tiring to think up topics that I should write about and I get ideas during the day when I am away from the computer..of course. I have a little journal book that I carry in my purse for all kinds of things, I use it to keep notes on ideas that I get during the day and what sparked that idea. So this morning I was hit with the urge to write about family. I don't know why. So here goes this is my thought about that and more than that my questions about Family.

So lets start by tiring to define what family is. Webster says that family is a group of persons of common ancestry. Is that all it takes to be family? Really? A Common bloodline? I understand that I came from 2 people and they came from 2 people and so on and so forth.

What else makes a family? A group of individuals living under one roof and usu a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliationally under one head of household. Really? I don't think that one is correct either, I have lived with people and yes we share the same house, no we did not come from the same bloodline but did I feel like I belonged to them of they to me no not really.

Here is another one... a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation also know as fellowship. Well I know I am looking for what family is but this is my biggest Family. My church family. When I have questions or need to talk or find my self in need of help these are the people that I turn to. They love me, accept me and know things about me that most others don't. For me this is my family,

OK here is the part where you may disagree with me. The basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children.Tridition has been thrown out the window on this one. A family is 2 parents, 1 parent, it could be a foster family it could be an adoptive family, or even same sex parents.

Family as a whole is complex and messy. I have almost no contact with my blood relatives and I am perfectly content with that. I have friends that I have had since childhood who are more like sisters than friends. I have older female friends that I call mom. (A name I hold sacred.) I have children that I REFUSE to let go of that I gained through marriage, and as a side note Marriage may make a family bigger but I believe divorce should not have to divide everyone. I still have family that came from past marriages that I love and plan on keeping for a long time.

Family can hurt you more than anyone else can, family can also love you like no one else can. Who is your family and what do you really expect from them? Are you willing to give to them what your expecting of them?

That leaves me to belive the only answer is family is what you make of it...

Bullets!!

2010-10-26T01:29:00.000-07:00

I love my church and my church family! I always knew that I belonged at Legacy but got a real confirmation last week when i went to another big church in the area. I missed our worship team the most!! Not to say that Pastor Todd is not awesome because he is, but the worship is what I missed more.
I am SO sick of interviewing!! I know that I am a good fit for the positions that I interview for but really someone call me with an offer already. I want to be able to provide more for my kid!
I am so in love with these little boys !!
I am so in like with these big boys!!
I want someone who will take me out on a real date! Like a get dressed up kind of thing! Surprise me already!!
I don't like being cold!! I wish I had footie PJ's a friend has pink ones that I want to have so badly I would wear them all the time!!
I love old house's like redlands or some of those in north Banning!
I am determined not to be afraid of things anymore! That includes my enemies!
I think GOD is making me keep my word. Don't bargain with GOD he always Win's.
I am way to lenient as a parent, I know it but don't apologise for it. As long as she maintains those A's and B's I her get away with a lot. But no where near as much as my mom let me get away with.
I am friends with ~~all~~ most of my ex's and this upsets the delicate balance of the new one!
I know way to much about divorce and how to file for it,

Good night!

Crazy dream...

2010-10-16T23:22:00.000-07:00

I wonder what your dreams are supposed to be telling you and because this one was so different felt so real I want to write it down so that I never forget.

I was walking through a field and a man in a black jacket is walking towards me, he picks up a blanket off the ground and wraps it around himself. When he gets closer I ask him if i can help him with anything. He opens his jacket and there is a baby. He hands me the baby and I put him inside my jacket and zip the little one in.(I actually used to do with Cera) he wraps the blanket around my shoulders and begins to hug me. The man begins to nuzzle my neck and when I try to step away pulls me close and says" its OK Jessica I have been waiting for you". Then I woke up! OK so as far as I got was that there is a man waiting to give me a baby? What is the importance of the baby being between us? Is there something significant about wrapping the 3 of us in this blanket? Why was he waiting for me? Where was I walking to before meeting him and the baby? Am I just over thinking this whole thing?

Me the cool Mom really?

2010-10-15T23:06:00.000-07:00

She was almost 4

Here is the thing she is in high schoool and doing alot of things that she was never allowed to do before. Going to every home football game not something i did as a teen but she enjoys it. Even thinks she wants to be a cheerleader next year! She knows about sex and about teen pregancy not just from being my daughter, she has seen friends and classmates have to go through that avoidable situation.
Recently one of the "brothers" came over and asked her if she had any condoms? Yea I know right. Let me say a couple of things here.
1.) Yes I do know that she sometimes carries one in her backpack.
2.)As much as I may want her to wait I dont want her to be unpretected.
3.) It scares me that this whole sex thing is something that I have to trust and pray that she will always make the right choice even when I am not there.

Almost 15

K back to the "brother" my darling daughter did not have one to give so I gave him one of my roommates. After he left I was struck by 2 things 1 he was doing the right thing asking for one, 2nd I wondered how he felt knowing that it was actually from me? According to Cera he did not care because I am the cool mom. The cool mom really? I was freaking out!! I called a friend someone who is not only a parent of a teen but a wonderful christian lady! Yes you Mit! Asking if I did the right thing?I don't know, I still don't know. I don't condone teen sex in any form but knowing that this young man was tiring to at least protect himself i could not say no. I am slowing believing that I did the right thing but will I do it a second time for him....I don't think as easily. There will probably be a conversation before I just had it over. Because just like the book if you give a mouse a cookie...only this time. If you give a teen a condom?

Lets start at A, B, C....( go back and read X,Y,Z of DNA)

2010-10-06T17:37:00.000-07:00

Ok so Let me give you the recap, X was a no, Y was a no, Z was also a no. I am writing this as therapy so forgive me for subject matter. Here it is A is/ has been the love of my life for well as long as I could remember, unfortunately he has been out of the picture most of the time I spent loving him because well marriage will do that. B was found by one of my wonderful Facebook friends and was told of the DNA trouble and has offered not only is DNA but his money. I don't want it I just want answers. Oh and just for fun X wants to be involved. He wants to know what is going on in our lives and even sent some money for baby to go to Bethel in the hills. Let me tell you dear reader exactly what I am thinking..WHAT the heck is going on! I was 17 was I really that memorable that you want to be connected to me? Or have these boys grown up into decent human beings and are tiring to be responsible adults. I don't know! I do know that I may have made a mistake in letting baby girl meet B before any testing was done. She has given up on knowing the rest of her biology shouldn't I? Oh and I think there is a C...If i dont give up I may begin to look for him.

I am still alive!

2010-10-03T00:48:00.000-07:00

He's still working on me to make me what I aught to be,
It took him just a week to make the moon and the stars
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and mars
How loving and patient he must be cause he's still working on me!

So I honestly want to post more than once a month! I do have idea's on things that are in my head that I'd think would be great to see what I could spin a thought into. I don't want to write big beautiful things all the time, I don't want to write funny things all the time either. I just want to write more. So here is the non sensible mess that is going on inside my head if you can understand it then you are one of my friends, if you take the time and are not successful well thank you for playing!

When applying for a job DON'T call the manager hon even if you are older!
Is is possible for the man on the bus with bleach stains on his shorts to be a wealthy man as he keeps claiming?
My Teen is a better person than I thought...not surprised just grateful.
I love my friend Melissa she amazes me and I think she is trying to make me get over my food phobia's!
I am dating again, That I'll have to keep you posted on!

It is almost 1 am and I need some sleep! I am now a co-teacher at church am super excited!!! Will post more soon,

Questions for the game of love...What do you consider romance?

2010-09-03T22:59:00.000-07:00

     This a random thought that I had today, what do you consider romance? Is it being able to sit on the couch together and watch a movie? Is it flowers waiting for you on your desk? Is romance only in the big things in life, such a proposal in front of the Disney castle. (I loved that by the way not picking on you at all) I don't think so because those things don't happen every day if they did they would loose their magic. I think that romance is able to be in the little things as well, can't it?. Taking the time to explain something to me so that maybe we can form a common interest can't that a form of romance? Taking care of me when I am sick because you really want to is that a form of romance?
     It is commonly thought that sending someone flowers is a romantic act . I will not dispute that in the least. I know that I love getting flowers as most women do, although the man that takes the time to remember my favorite flower has a special place in my heart. There is romance in the thought, the act of remembering such a small detail of you isn't there?Lets see what does Webster's define ROMANCE as? I like it as a transitive verb.(what that means you have to look up.) I can also can see the romance in filling up my car with gas, with out being asked just so you know I will get to and from without worry.
     Yes we know that romance can be seen in the big things the things that are put out on display for all the world to see. Then why cant it be in the little ones as well? I am sure it is,the only difference is remembering to find it...

What is the most romantic thing someone has done for you?

Yes for once I actually actually agree with Eminem

2010-09-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

OK so there are not many times that I agree with or like this man but, recently I have been able to look past the cussing and really see the message of his songs. The first one was I love the way you lie. Let me first say that my past relationships have never been as violent as he depicts but I still agree with the message of the song. I have posted those lyrics on another post. This song and the lyrics talk heavily talk about fear and getting over it, getting past it more importantly helping others get through it as well. Some thing that I have been dealing with personally. I have been told more than once this week that I need to stop being afraid of being places, seeing people and doing things that I like. What about beyond that? What else am I afraid of? What am I NOT doing because of fear? I have not talked to people that I strongly felt need a hello! or a How are you today?. I said nothing because I was afraid of what they would think of me. I felt the need to pray over an empty house and I did not because I was afraid that I would look silly,so I did nothing, that is my goal to be less afraid of everything!!

*I skipped verse one because it seemed to be more of an introduction, and a lot of trash talkin.

Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that f*** your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain't going back to that now
All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW
Cause I ain't playin' around
There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This f***ing black cloud still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherf***ers are doing jumping jacks now!

(Hook)

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

(Bridge)

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

(Verse 3)

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don't even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle on it
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and

(Hook)

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

Oh the wedding!!

2010-08-24T23:27:00.000-07:00

Oh the wedding was so beautiful!! So let me take you through the day! For us girls it started at about 9 am! Yes I know how early that is for a 3pm wedding. The morning started with Cera and I being picked up by grandma. Why you ask? Well Miss Tisha spent the night with the grandparents so that she and Steve would be apart as per tradition. We made the very long and not quite hot (yet) drive from Banning to Desert Hot Springs.

It was then that the 10am hair appointments begun. I must say that if I ever have to go any were fancy I will gladly take the time to drive to Miss Gina's salon! She is fabulous and christian and from the south. Some of the many reason's we fell in love with her. I was was the lucky one to get in the chair first and so I was also the one to get in Miss Amy's chair. I had this wonderful french twist that was so well put together 38 bobby pins will do that. Miss Gina had curled my hair with a hot curling rod. Not a curling iron. (did I mention Miss Gina is black) It was so hot you could see the steam coming off every time she pulled it out of the oven thingy! Cera was next and she got this awesome side ponytail that was curled and just so her personality. Then there was Miss Tisha. Her hair was super cute and curled and up in a Taylor Swift ala Love story kinda way. So beautiful. Well as one person was finished by Miss Gina, we moved to another chair is the salon to have our make-up done with Mary Kay by Miss Amy. (Miss Gina closed her salon for the 3 of us for the morning!) Each of us took our turn getting dolled up and where completely enjoying ourselves. From the shop we went to the church to get dressed. I dressed Tisha in her underthings and then Cera and I got dressed. This was all in the fellowship hall while tring to keep people out.That idea ws not completely successful. Then came the fun part putting on Miss Tisha's big heavy beautiful dress. My Friend was the prettiest bride ever! The boys (Ty and Jay) where such little men in their tux's. Tisha and I waited a few min's in pastors office until I had to leave her with the planner so could walk up the isle. Getting there was easy and watching my baby walk up made me smile. I had never seen her look so beautiful. The Church played soft chimes everyone rose and Miss Tisha and Grandpa slowly walked toward us. A glance at Steve proved that I was not the only one moved his eyes where full of love and water. I will admit even I teared up when grandpa gave her away...

2010-08-14T01:55:00.000-07:00

OK so blogger is making some updates and it looks like I am going to have to adjust to it as well. No big deal I know that I can.

So the point of this blog is to just clear up a few things like one I am still alive, no I have not forgotten how to type I just switched to keeping a personal journal that I write in. Yes actually write in. I have once again made some choices in my life and although I now realise how those decisions have impacted others I can also see where my weakness was an how not to allow that weakness to be the hole in my armor. I have never been a fighter as anyone who knows me knows.Yet I have had to fight some really tough battles lately.Only through prayer and perseverance has any small victory been possible.

I was going through my blog and I realised a couple of things in the past have come current again and so rather than re post about the subject I think I will just direct you to the original post...lol so the first one is from December of 2008. See the archive button over there ---> now make your way to the post from December it should be easy because well it is the only one!! go read that and then click your back button to bring you back here.....don't worry I wait.

Did you read it? Really did you because if you did then you would know that I am not finished yet! Remember that Sunday school song "he's still working on me"? Well I am a big project!! God has a lot of work left to do on me!!

The other post that has become relevant again is from February 2009 and is called I love surprises! Go read that if you want to know where I am. I had to learn how not to allow my self to be the victim, that patience is not granted over night. There is so much that I got out of that I could hear P.T's message playing over again in my mind. Here is an excerpt from my notes..

Ways to avoid being a victim.
1) Your not the only one so don't make it all about you.
2) If GOD allowed it, GOD will bring you through it.
3) Prepare your self difficulties are coming. (1Peter 4:12)
4) Your response matters, to rejoice is a choice that you have to make. (1Peter 4:13) After Gods glory is revealed you will rejoice with his exceeding joy.

K that's all for tonight and I will work on writing here more often for those faithful 6 readers !

P.S. If you read this and like it please become a follower!

I knew it was our song

2010-07-13T01:20:00.000-07:00

The first time I heard this I knew it was our song, I had never heard such a beautiful explaination of why i kept going back, of why I kept beliveing he would change only if I only loved him enough and the right way. I was wrong he will never change and apart of me will always love him ♥

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I sufficate
And right before im about to drown
She resuscitates me
She f***ing hates me
And I love it
Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down
Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded
Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

So there is this boy....

2010-06-30T23:12:00.000-07:00

So there is this boy and he stole my heart away. I mean really away I thought I would never love anyone ever again as much as I loved him. But I was young and what did I know of love? What did I know of the future? Then there was this boy that I met at a campsite he was not the handsome one he was the sweet one. He was the one that when he held me the world stopped and I was safe there in his arms.He was the one I wanted to spend forever with, but I didn't. We had a fight and I know I was wrong and he knows he was wrong. Now here is where my heart is jumping and leaping and not knowing which way to go. Both boys are men now and I am no longer a lil girl of 13 or 17. Yet a email or a phone call and I am left smiling all day. I know I can not live in the past simply because it is impossible. Is it possible then for the past to survive in the future? Is dating either one risking the memories that we have? Is it a risk I am willing to take?

Somethings big and small.....

2010-06-10T18:32:00.000-07:00

I have lived in may different places, a one bedroom apartment, a two bedroom apartment and even a big four bedroom house. My favorite place was a small 2 bedroom duplex. It was no bigger than most apartments but I loved that little place. I have been asked over and over again why and the simple answer is that the people in that house where forced to be together. There was no TV in the bedrooms, there was one in the living room. That was to be shared with everyone.It was a family TV, We watched shows together that may not have been our interest but we were watching them together. The only places to get privacy where in the bathroom and maybe the garage as long as it was not summer and the garage door could be closed.

The point of this little rant is family's have become more seprate. I have lived this and I have seen this. There are TV's in the bedrooms so that no compromises have to be made. There are locks on bedroom doors, there are computers and laptops in every room of the house. Dinner rarely if ever eaten at the table. There is too much privacy no one pays attention to what each other is doing because they are so wrapped in what ever it is that they are doing. I love dinner at the table. I love open doors, I like watching something my daughter is interested in because i may like it too. I like talking to her about her day and hearing about her friends. I love family....

Just seems like family is vanishing.

Things.

2010-06-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

Things that I love....

I love all of Cera's writing's she is so creative and her use of imaginary is has gotten so wonderful. I remember when she wrote a 3 page story about a dolphin and a whale becoming friends. The thing is she was supposed to write a paragraph and was only in like 2nd grade.

I love that Cera is so strong in her beliefs and her personality. She knows exactly what she wants to say and often is not shy about saying it.

I love the sound of Abby's laugh..so full and loud.

I love hugs from Cera at night.

I love the energy that Adriana has.

I love Melissa and all her silliness she is a great friend to share a laugh with!

I love watching Anthony with Delayna, he seems like big tough jock guy but he can also be so sweet to her.

I love children who do their own laundry...Anthony, Cera, Kier and Adriana. (Oldest to youngest)

I love how soft my hair felt yesterday

I love Tisha even when i don't understand her.

I love Liz for putting up with all my BS. Over the last 18 or so years.

I love Melissa for letting me see inside her marriage, although I still do see them as the standard.

I love my church and all the hugs I got on Sunday.

I love my little sister.

I hate disappointing people...

Cera i let down in the biggest way possible.No matter what she may say i let her think that someone was more important to me than her.

I left little Dominic last week with out telling him I was going to be seeing Cera.

I have disappointed myself in not having done anything productive with my life in the last 14 or so years! I am going to change that and stop just saying i am going to.

Update!

2010-06-01T17:36:00.000-07:00

So just as an FYI for all of you that don't know, I am back in Banning. Don't ask why I left or where I went. Just know that I am here and this is where I am planning on staying! I know that I have said that before, well I have and going back on my word twice does not leave much room for me to be believed but, unless there is a really good reason and my wonderful beautiful super smart daughter decides that she wants to go as well, then it looks like I will be here until she graduates and that is 4 years from now! Then who knows maybe Texas or Indiana or Montana. I have always wanted to live in Montana.

01/26/10

2010-05-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

Yes it has been that long between writings....Trouble is I don't know what to write about. I think that is my constant problem. Not knowing something and then once knowing what do you do with the answer? I know it sounds all kinds of crazy because well it is....All kinds of crazy is what am I doing? How do I fix, let alone get out of this? I can't is the simple answer. You cant unring a bell? I can only keep going forward. Should I write about how I...Should I write about how I... Do I write about how... Do I write about how I...Should I write about how... Or should I just hit delete?

Obviously I chose DELETE...

Its not to late...

2010-01-26T12:33:00.000-08:00

So as anyone who is my sisters facebook friend she started school yesterday. Her class is only one day a week and meets for 4 hours. I am thankful for the time that she is away and am proud of her for pushing to return to school . As I was walking her to class I was remembering the first time I was a student there. It was about 2000 and cera was not more than 4. She was so excited to go to their daycare center and proudly told everyone " I go to college!" I was so proud of her then and realized as I was walking back to the bus stop that its not to late I not to old. Maybe next semester I can say I go to college ...

I hate the rain and I hate food...a venting moment

2010-01-21T23:37:00.000-08:00

What? Why? Those are such innocent things what did they do to me well let me explain. I'll start with the rain and it is not really the rains fault its mine, but with all this stinking rain I have not been able to walk to the Gym or just walk to get out of the house! I want to so badly I really do! I could there is no rule against walking in the rain but lets be honest, its too cold for me and well I don't want to get sick so I am here inside the house with these girls that I love... but Oh man a walk outside would be so heavenly. That sounds selfish and maybe it is but can a price be put on mental health?

Food oh wonderful food it cab fill your bell it can warm you belly. It is sweet or salty or crunchy or soft. I love food and I know by my body shape that food loves me. Well lately food has been a trigger for an argument. Maybe it is my fault and I am willing to admit it but I am so close to putting names on things that it is not funny. For example Cera likes chicken noodle soup. I will sometimes buy the noodle'os or the chicken and stars. When I do buy them I make sure to get the ravioli's that I know Courtney likes. What happens Courtney eats the chicken's first. That starts a fight. I buy a container of cottage cheese for Courtney and a container of yogurt for Cera and I to share Cera and I will not eat cottage cheese (because we don't like it).My sister was upset because I let Cera have the last of the yogurt. Maybe I'll use duct tape and divide the fridge in half?? I know I just venting.....but man I am frustrated.

Things

2010-01-11T16:58:00.000-08:00

There are many things that I have been think about....and at this very moment they have all escaped me! I hate it when that happens.

I joined a Gym, yes me and yes I go! I will sometimes like today walk the 1.5 miles to get there. I am tired and sore but i do feel better. My body does not belong to me and I need to take better care of it.

I want to start dating

My friend Melissa made me cry, not in a bad way but in a I love you kind of way.

To be continued...

21 days

2009-12-31T03:01:00.000-08:00

21 days is...3 weeks
3 weeks is ...504 hours
504 hours is...30,240 minutes
30,240 minutes is...1,814,400 seconds
1,814,400 seconds is...21 days

So now that you know exactly how long I will be off facebook how about if I explain the why part of it. My pastor is a great thinker! how much time do you spend here on the computer? How much time do you spend farming, feeding your fish, breeding fake animals for your Zoo?More than you think.

So you want your 2010 to be better than your 2009? What are you going to do to make sure that it is different? Where in your schedule does prayer time fit? What could happen to your year, your life if you took the time that you freely give away to facebook and studied and prayed? How much could you learn? What would change for you?

I have plans not just little plans but big wonderful plans for myself and my family for 2010, but that is my plan my dream. How much bigger is God's plan, God's vision for my life? I wan to know and the best way to get to know someone is to spend time with them. I am looking forward to the time spent I would love to see his vision for me, get to know his plan for my life.

So when do you? or Am I crazy??

2009-12-25T20:53:00.000-08:00

I am 31, I know that I am no longer a teen and most definitely no longer a kid, but I have been thinking of a few things lately. Things that I am not yet sure of the answers. I submit to you my 7 wonderful albeit quiet non-commenting readers these few thoughts.

1. When do you start using Oil of Olay? Is this one of those things that I am still too young for? If I am too young why are the models in the commercials about my age? If I want to prevent wrinkles don't I have to be proactive and prevent them before they start, or do I wait for the wrinkles to show up before I start treating them?

2. I know that I have gray hair and I know that I do not color my hair as often as I should but, do I really look like I am some one's grandmother? I have 2 friends who recently had babies and while holding the babies I was asked if the baby was my granddaughter? Really? One of those times my friend Liz and her husband was with me and Liz is older than me!! I look like I could have a 30 something daughter??!! If that is the case will all my friends please nominate me for What not to Wear!!!

3. I am/was dating a man that is 52 and although he is nice I am not looking for the same thing in a relationship that he is. I want to have one more baby (well I think I do) and I have been thinking that 18+52=70 and those numbers are based on if I had a baby with him like right now before the year is over! NOT GONNA HAPPEN so we had the lets be friends talk.

The X,Y, and Z of DNA

2009-12-09T09:08:00.000-08:00

This is truly a hard thing to write about, for a few reasons. Lets start off with the fact that I was in no way a innocent young girl. Yes I had a bad experience with sex the first time but about a year later I learned how powerful it can be. When I say powerful I mean it was a new way to get attention from boys, and it was a way to scare my mom. I often was not ashamed of what I was doing and did not see it as damaging my self. I was. I can honestly say that I don't believe I bragged about my sexual activities but I never denied them either. My apartment was vandalized and my mom was harassed at work because a neighbor girl thought I was sleeping with their boyfriend. My response to that was "if I wanted to don't you think I would have by now" that lead to one of the few physical fights of my life. As this points out I clearly was more active than I should have been. Then comes X I am so in love with him that I am only with him.Only with him until Y comes along, Y is older and handsome and so tall. When I am told that I am pregnant, I only want to think of X he is the one only he could be the father. I mean he has to be the father I love him and we are engaged! That is exactly what happens the only man I tell of the pregnancy is X, he is told only after I decide that yes I am keeping this baby for myself. I knew that I would struggle at times and that it would not be an easy road but she is mine.(even before it was confirmed I always referred to my baby as she) My beautiful baby is 4years old when the truth is discovered that she does not match X's DNA. My friends tried to warn me of this they said that there was another that I had been with Y could she match his DNA? I had no idea where to find him or if I even wanted him to know about her. The problem is she deserved to know about him and so I looked for Y. Through the help of the Internet I found him, well actually his wife and found my self having to explain my self to her and to him. Yes he had heard rumors of my baby being from him but dismissed them, because I always denied it. So now my precious little one is 10 and I have to explain to her that we need to know if her DNA and Y's match. If that was not awful enough, having to explain to her again a few weeks later that once again I was wrong, that her and Y are not a match. As smart as she is these are not the conversations that I want to be having. I am not looking to hide things from her but she does not need to know every detail about the past, yet these details are important. These details will affect her future,these details have names and faces and family's. Here I sit almost 5 years later waiting for DNA from a lab somewhere to tell me if Z is a match. Z wants to know, Z remembers us being intimate. I don't, not at all and I feel bad because it points out just how lost I was, how out of control I was. My baby is not a baby any more and she knows that her mom was not innocent,she can see the direct result of me looking for attention in all the wrong ways. Z paid for the test, Z is looking for family just as much as my baby has been, but I don't want to disappoint either of them. Now its out of our hands now Z and I sit and await the results...

Ok so I am obsessive....maybe?

2009-12-03T09:01:00.000-08:00

I noticed yesterday while doing the laundry that I think I am a little bit crazy. My sister separates her clothing from the basket because she wants to help but does not want refolding the stuff that she has already done. Yes I do do that. I like for that towels to all be folded the same way and to all be the same size. I like shirts to be folded a certain way so that they make nice little squares and I realised that most things that I fold are in 3! I know I'm crazy right? I learned how to fold while I was working for GAP and now that is the only way that things can be done. I think I may have a problem....

And again...

2009-11-23T22:47:00.000-08:00

Once again the holiday's are here, I find my self easily frustrated. I want people to wait until after thanksgiving to put up their Christmas decorations, I want to enjoy each holiday for what it is and not get swept up in the commercial side of it all. I seem to be doing pretty well so far. I am looking forward to thanksgiving and feeding the community. It is something I feel strongly about and am excited for the opportunity. It is in these things that I feel most connected to my church and to my mom. It is one of those things that if she was still here than I know I/we would still do. I don't want to say that I am participating out of guilt because I am not, it is just a feeling that goes along with some of the things I do in my day to day life. K I am rambling but at least I posted.

Bye

What to write?

2009-11-17T13:25:00.000-08:00

What to write about? I don't know? there are so many different things going on in my head that I never know what to share and what to let fly right out of my head. I have often thought of keeping a little notebook in my purse just that when something happens I could jot down a little something and then later that day add it to my blog. I have not done that yet I probity will not do it. So the things that I an thinking about right now.....

Sunday was my mom's one year of being gone. I don't know what I am supposed to do on the day. I just kept it a family day and the girls and I just spent some time together. I think her birthday was harder than this. I don't want to celebrate her death. I love her , I believe that she is in heaven not experiencing any or the hurt or pain that she was in while she was here. I remember the day of her death in a selfish way it is the day I lost my mom but what what did my mom gain on the same day?

My house is full, I My friend Liz her hubby and the 3 girls have moved in. I can say that while it is cramped I have completely enjoyed having them around. Kier is such a good influence on Cera! Cera has been doing more homework recently, her absences are down and she has gotten more girlie. (A fun transition to watch)

Dating...oh dating has come around for me once again and it is again kinda strange. I am always happy to know that I am attractive but, is it too much to ask that he has most of his front teeth and be sober when trying to chat me up?

I am excited about working the thanksgiving outreach next week, it is nice to do and honestly it is my way of remembering my mom. Doing all the things I know she would want me to do.

Oh yea this weekend I am going with my friend Marie to audition for a weight loss show called dance your A$$ off. I'll let you know how it goes...

TTFN

Bad sister?? Maybe??

2009-10-20T03:40:00.000-07:00

So the holiday season is fast approaching and I am doing all I can to be prepared. I went and started a Christmas layaway for Cera, because Courtney was shopping with me. In the time since then I have been struggling with a couple of things. One is that there is such an age difference between us that she was still young when I moved out. I was too self involved with me and Cera and what ever man I was with, that I did not take the time to get to know my sister. I am now living with her full time and realize that I don't know what she likes, I don't even know if she knows. For example I like to get one special ornament for the girl every year. Last year Courtney got a really pretty C that was silver and has pretty crystal's on it, Cera got Starbucks one. This year I am looking for 2 that equally represent the girls. I found Cera's after a short while of looking. Now I am searching for one that fits Courtney. I have been on so many websites and I look in every store that I go into but nothing pops out at me that says "I am Courtney's style". When I think about it the only things that I know for certain is that she likes Facebook, Myspace, the computer and Degrassi. The trouble is that now I have to figure out is how to put all of or some of that into a Christmas ornament. Right now I just feel like a bad sister. I know more about Cera because she is mine and I know that. I just wish that I was a little more connected to my sister as well.

5 confessions...

2009-10-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

Ok so here is 5 things for October.....

1. I get scared taking out the trash at night. I do have this fear that there is someone hiding in there and that they are going to pop out and scare me. I have this fear probilly because as a my friend and I would do that. I was like 7 and thought it was funny. My mom did not think so......

2. I don't like Halloween. I never have and I dot think that I ever will. I don't like being scared. don't enjoy scaring other people and I don't see how fake blood is funny or cool. When Cera was little I let her dress up but there was nothing scary or gross and of course no witches. A rule I only broke once. She had found a Glenda costume and well I made an exception.

3. Because I am not working, I have become a TV junkie. My current Tivo's are Grays Anatomy, Mercy, Trauma, Toddlers and Tiara's, Flash Forward, Jon & Kate, 18 kids and Counting, Say yes to the dress, Cake Boss, Castle, Biggest Looser. I think that is all of them now I don't usually watch them till the next day and there are some that I save for my friends.

4. I think there are days when I am a bad mommy. Now I don't mean bad like I hurt her, I just think that the line between mom and friend get pushed around a lot. I want to do what is best for her but I dot want her to hate me either. I know that there are days when she does not like me and I am OK with that I just want a relationship with her. I know now that she does not walk on water! She is not perfect and she does cause a lot of her own problems.

5. I am still not out of my box. My comfort box. I know I do put my self out there to met new people but I don't do it as often as I should. I would love to have more friends, it just seems like there is a invisible wall tat I have not broken through. I will though, I keep pushing and I will.

MONEY!!

2009-09-26T09:22:00.000-07:00

There is a lot that has been said or that could be said about money, I am sure that most people would agree that they don't have enough. They could do more if they just had more! Is that really true? I know that money has an exchange rate and its value goes up and down but what about the value we put on it?I know that I owe people money, I know people that owe me money. I have lost friends over money and debt owed, yet if I was suddenly a millionaire how many friends would I gain? Would they be real friends? I have a friend that keeps track of how much I owe her. I am not offended by this and I hope she is not offended about me talking about it. I am actually glad that for the big amounts she keeps track. I want her to, why? Because I would rather there be a written account of the debt then there to be constant arguing about the amount, and put or friendship at risk.

Then there is the little stuff.. you get me lunch, I'll get you lunch another day. You watch my kid, I'll watch yours. It is the little things that I have learned to be grateful for like the rides to church the trips to the grocery store, the come spend the day with me, getting to hold a friends new baby, all of these may sound little and I am sure that in the grand scheme of things that they are but they mean so much to me. It is the little things that a dollar amount cannot be put on....

35 before 35

2009-09-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

OK here goes, I had been having like a writers block or something and could not think of anything to write well my friend Anita made a list of 35 things she would like to do before she is 35. So I said why not do that. I know it is not my original idea but hey lists are a good thing! Here goes.

Learn how to use a sewing machine and make at least one dress/skirt.
Take another cruise but this time with my girls.
Go to Rhode Island to meet more family.
Get my childcare licence.
Buy a convertible (I know not a mommy car)
Start Christmas shopping in October (yes layaway counts)
Start a business.
Own a home.
Get contacts.
Start saving for college. (Need to start this one ASAP)
Get plastic surgery. ( yes,I really want it)
Visit New York.
Move to Beaumont.
Have a spa day with my daughter.
Have a spa day with my Sister.
~~Meet a wonderful Christian man to date~~.
This list is hard!
Own a dishwasher.
Get another living room set.
Fill all of my photo frames.
Find a giant mirror for the living room that I love!
~~Be more active in my church family.~~
~~Stop being so timid!~~
~~Get a cellphone.~~
Clean up my credit.
~~Participate in a walk for life.~~
Get another tattoo
~~Learn more recipes for dinner~~
~~Get a bigger TV~~
Complete at least half of this list!!

See I did it I made it! oh man...I need five more things.

~~Get Courtney more independent.~~
Get Cera through high school. (OK for that one I will be more than 35)
~~Just be more active in life~~
Be emergency prepared.
Make my own bread.

There I did it! so what are you goals?Make your own blog or just leave a comment her I am kinda nosey.

Updated 03/04/11

Prayer Position

2009-08-26T23:20:00.001-07:00

Ok so I know that the title is a little strange but come on give it a little thought and I bet you will be able to see where this is going. What is or should I say is there a correct position for your body to be in during prayer? I am being completely honest here. I know that as a child I was taught to pray on my knees before going to bed. I know that I pray sitting down before I eat, I know that I pray standing up during worship service at church. In my own personal time with God is there a correct position to be in for prayer?

Matthew 26:39:Speaks of Jesus falling on his face before the Lord

Genesis 17:3:Tells of Abraham falling on his face face when the Lord was speaking to him

These are some of the verse's found on biblegateway.com. Here is the thing that I noticed, all the verse's take place in the old testament. This is what I want to know is there a proper body position? I have recently started praying laying face down and noticed that it is wonderful way to block out all of the distractions around me. Tonight I just wandered if the bible gave a specific way to pray. I did not get an answer to my question, but it did cause me to think and look into the word a little more.

A lesson learned (Thank you Melissa)

2009-08-24T23:39:00.000-07:00

This blog is special to Melissa because she was very honest with me and backed me up on a situation with my daughter. I know that I allow Cera to do a lot of things that most girls her age don't because she as shown her self to be responsible. In doing that she some how got it in her mind that being disobedient was OK. Melissa came and stood firm with me on the issue and also showed Cera that she is loved and cared about. Now let me be clear Melissa has a much firmer hold on discipline than I do. That is why I asked for her help. She also pointed out how I was being lazy with the girls as far as house cleaning. I don't expect the place to be shining but the piles of messes was in any one's (including mine) opinion to much messiness. I was tired because I was tiring to do it all and at the same time I was not setting a good example for my girls. I was just continuing the circle started by my mom. Well Sunday after she left the girls and I started cleaning and I have gotten tougher on what is acceptable as clean. For example.....you can not vacuum around piles of clutter and call it clean. You can not do the dishes and not clean the counter and microwave and call it clean. Part of what I also did was I turned off the TV for a few hours. It was amazing how quiet the house became. It was then that I realised that the TV is background noise for a lot of things. So do I really need to watch all day long. I have box that records all my favorite shows so it is not like I am going to miss anything. Plus the ones that are my favorites are still on vacation or simply a night show and all my stuff should be done by the time any of those come on. So today I completed cleaning, and made dinner and we ate at the table not in front of the TV. I was so happy. I have decided that I will be keeping the TV off in the afternoons. If the silence really gets to Courtney there is a TV in her room and she is more than able to go in there. No more Dinner in front of the TV, I bought a kitchen table for a reason. I am also only making on pitcher of cool aide and one pitcher of lemon aide per day once it is gone drink water! I want to be here for my family and I want all of us to be healthier with better house keeping habits!

Just added

2009-08-21T22:21:00.000-07:00

So I know that I don't write about anything interesting but, My friend Melissa got em thinking who really reads what I write so I added a ticker! cant wait!!! LOL

Back to schol yuckies!!

2009-08-19T16:22:00.000-07:00

So as every one knows school is getting ready to start. There are new outfits to get, backpacks and pencils and pens to buy.But then there was today, we got to the school at about 130pm to find a line that was going from the office all the way to the street outside the school. At about 230 we made it to the front of the line and was greeted by a very nice woman that told us we could go inside the office. See the great thing about going in the office is that it was about 100 outside today! I love summer! Anyway what happened when we got into the office I handed the secretary the packet of papers and she gave us an index card with a stamp on it and told us to hold on to it we would need it. What did we need it for? Well we went to room 17 where she got her year book picture taken and a stamp on our index card. The line for pictures was less than 5 mins that puts us in line 3 at about 230 what time did we get her schedule and books?Well lets put it this way by the time we got back to the car it was 4pm yes I said 4 that means we stood in that line for at least an hour and a half! At this point not that it matters any more but all of this was done so that we could get Cera into the Journalism class. See we thought that we where going to have to meet with a counselor to have her schedule changed and that it would be a big ol' mess nope no such thing!! She was already give Journalism!!! I could have gone tomorrow if I would have know that!! oh well......On a side note they do it this way so that the families that have children in multiple grades don't have to come back on multiple days. The index card yes we gave that to the lady to get our schedule she did not even look to see if we had taken our picture :(

Friendship....

2009-08-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

Let me start off by saying that I love my friends , all of my friends no matter how much they can at times annoy me or frustrate me I love them and always will. I have been spending a lot of time recently thinking about friendship and the way that I have treated some of my friendships.

I am not going to name names here but there is a friend that I love,love I mean this girl had taken me back into her life after one of the worst arguments ever. Well recently I was supposed to be available to her and her family and I let her down. I will not sugar coat it and say I let her down I choose someone else over her. There is no excuse and no reason that can make it right. So every day I send her a text message telling her that I love her. That is honestly the only thing I can think of to do. I know I hurt her feelings and I am sorry for that,there is a limit to how many times you can let someone hurt you before you have to walk away right?

Then there is another friend that I have become closer to this year, I have known her almost all my life but this year we have talked and shared more than we have before. I have to admit that part of the connection was because of the internet. I send her emails or leave comments on her blog or her facebook . The internet made it easy to keep up with her and kinda know what was hapening with her family. Well recently her computer got messed up and so that has taken her offline for a few weeks. I knew I was missing her, and you know I still waited a few days to call her. So here is my thought, is the Internet and all the things we do on it bringing us closer or is it becoming a replacement for real interaction?

5 confessions...

2009-07-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

So I did this a couple months ago and well i feel like it is time to do it again.

1.) I m currently suffering from insomnia and while awake in the middle of the night I send some absurd emails, not to my friends but to corporations. To date I have written to walmart and Target concerning their lack of Layaway and asked the to join a site called elayaway it could be a solution to a problem. I have also written to Beaumont Unified School District complaining about the lack of busing for Jr. and High School students, it is 3 miles one way for Cera and from my house to the high school is 5 miles one way. So I thought way not set up a city bus to run kinda like a school bus but on a short fixed route using the bus stops that are already in use. Yea crazy I know.

2.) I know that at times my parenting can be questionable and that being said I get so angry with some of the other parents I know. For example with one of Cera's friends, I have had to tell her to go home and shower before she can visit. I talked her into starting birth control because I could not talk her out of having sex. Her father allows her to drink to the point where she threw up 5x at my house. Why was she here? She wanted mom (me) and her dad was passed out from drinking. On a positive note she is becoming more and more interested in Legacy and has even watched pastors sermons with me. So I put my frustrations aside, love on her and continue to invite her to church and even youth.

3.) God told me that my husband is in the church. I am still working on that one. Here is what happened. I was earnestly praying one morning in church for me and my life and my desire to be married and stay married. You know the stability that comes from having a partner well as I was praying I heard a voice say your husband is here, I turned and looked around me and while there obviously where men behind me none of them were single so I continued praying and just asking god if that was you and not my imagination please repeat it.So this time much louder I heard your husband is here. I looked around me again and was still in shock. I continue to pray for the man I will spend the rest of my life with and arrive expectantly every Sunday hoping to meet him. Now is that all I am hoping for on Sundays no, is it one of the many blessings I hope to receive yes.

4.) I am bad at returning phone calls. I love my friends all of them very much but thankfully anyone that knows me also knows that I am terrible at calling you back, I told someone once that I would call in 20mins that I wanted to talk to Cera well I did not call back for 7 hours. Yea not that I don't love my friends or enjoy spending time with them but sometimes being on the phone is so annoying.

5.) Cant I just stop at 4 the last one is always so hard to come up with? OK, OK here is one the year is almost over and I don't feel as though I have made any kind of progress. I am beginning to think the lack of progress is because of a lack of goals being set...

waking up!

2009-07-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

Good morning, yes I am awake. Why am I awake? what kind of alarm clock do I use well there are a few good ones. There is the always popular bell alarm I know that there are times when this could be slept through, there is the classic buzzer alarm but I know that even I could sleep through this as well. In the last two days I have found some that are much harder to sleep through...for example there is the cable guy stapling wire to the overhang, sounds like bang, bang, bang, bang and then about 50 more times then there is one of my favorites the Harley Davidson alarm, my neighbor leaves for work every morning no later than 530am. What a wonderful sound to hear that engine every morning and sometimes he has to let it warm up, or like today when he could not get it to start the tiny roar over and over and over until the engine turned over. It was so lovely!! Well I am off to do something else that awake people do.....

Adoption

2009-07-16T23:30:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to be proud of a stranger? I TiVo an MTV program called 16 and pregnant. I started watching it mostly as a way for the girls to see the kinda the reality of having a baby so young and that yes it dos happen. I know that I was 17 when I had my daughter, I have shared my story and my daughter knows how old I was. More importantly she has lived the struggles of me being a teen mom. Tonight's episode was different. Tonight the teen mom gave her baby up for adoption. I cried for her and just wanted to love on the girl and tell her that she was doing the right thing. Its just a TV show though right? I was proud of her because she made a choice that is harder than anything I could imagine. I also thought of a friend. She has adopted a little boy and she loves him just as much as I love mine. There are so many different ways to become a mother and this was a wonderful example of the pain and the love that happens on both sides. I believe that both are mothers, the young girl that loved her baby so much that she had to admit to her self that she could not provide for her daughter, then there is the mother that is tasked with the responsibility of making those dreams come true. I may be wrong because I have never been in either mothers shoes. I don't claim to be an expert and I know that I am just sharing my thoughts brought on by just a TV show.

How did I?

2009-07-10T02:20:00.000-07:00

As I sit here typing at 230 in the morning, one thought that I have is how did I get here. How is that I am the mom of a teenager? I wonder sometimes how she has made it to this age. I remember when I first brought her home I honestly felt like OK, when is someone going to be picking her up? It took almost a week for that feeling to go away. I have laughed and cried with her and recently watched her go through her first heartbreak. But now there is something different happening. I honesty don't know what to think of this new stage. She is spending more time on what she wears, she is wearing makeup more consistently, she has even started curling her hair (finally) and as I watch her change from a tomboy into this very pretty teen I cant help but to wonder..How did I get here? What happens now? I pray for her almost every night and I know only she knows her relationship with god. I just know that I don't want her to go through all of the rough patches I hit. Although I know she will find some I just want them to be little.

Things seen and heard

2009-07-05T00:07:00.000-07:00

So things seen .....

So I am sitting in a Vons parking lot trapped by the all powerful child safety locks. So there was a woman walking to her car when some of her over flowing groceries fell off the top of her cart and on to the ground. Then from no where there is this teenage boy the kind that drives me crazy because you can see his boxers. Well he walks over and starts to help her load her trunk , now I will be honest. I did say is he really going to help or just try to steal her liquor. Nope he helped her load her trunk and then went on his way. My thought then was wow someone raised him right. Terrible right?

I also thought I saw Prez Hilton, go into the store.

So I went to the fireworks tonight and was so happy to see that Courtney did not have her normal freekout about the loud noise, it was so nice to just watch and enjoy.

Camping

2009-06-28T03:22:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to still have a camp out even if you live in an apartment? Yes you can as I learned tonight. See my baby and her friend have found a way or should I say a compromise. At first they wanted to look at the stars while laying on the bed of a pick up truck. The bed has one of those tough lid things so I gave them a sleeping bag and some throw pillows. Being that it is a nice evening I did not think too much about it. That is until about 11ish when the neighbor came to ask how I felt about the girls sleeping in the truck bed with the lid open. No Way!! I know I live in a quiet neighborhood where not much happens but come on lets be real. So there was a compromise made. I said it would be OK only if the truck could be pulled up in front of my apartment. Let me explain, in front of my apartment there is a space of about 15 maybe 20 feet that is divided into 2 sections. Where there is not sidewalk there is gravel and so the truck is parked on the gravel between the two apartments. The girls get their camp out and we the parents can see them out the front windows and any outside movement is heard because well there is no quiet way to walk on gravel. Maybe I give in too much maybe it is dangerous, and I am only seeing the safety that I want to see.Or maybe all will be fine and it will be a new funny memory. I let you know how it worked out......

5 confessions...

2009-06-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

OK so I have this friend that I love her blog, I love her parenting style. I have one daughter and there are times when I wish that I would have made the decision to home school her. Anita has five and they are all smart and wonderful children. (That's just my opinion). So I was reading her blog today and she was inspired by someone and I was inspired by Anita so here are my confessions and links to both blogs. Enjoy and confess your quirks!

1. I will not get behind you in line if you have a full basket. I would rather wait behind 4 people that have 10 things each than one that has the 40 why? I think it has to do with forward motion. I like to feel like I am making progress. Even if I am not really. I shop by going down every isle with the exception of pet food, I don't have any pets at the moment.

2. I don't shave my legs in the winter. I am wearing pants all the time and I am single so no ones seems them. I just figure it to be a waste of time. (I know it's gross)

3. I love babies!! All babies but why do people bring their little ones out to anywhere after 9pm. Why do the mamma's dress better than the kids?

4. I love chicken, I don't buy much of anything else in the meat department, with the exception of pork.

5. I don't like my food to touch, I eat one thing at a time from my plate and usually turn my plate in a clock wise motion. I also can not eat chicken off the bone. (YUCK!!)

So what are your 5 confessions?

I like pizza!

2009-06-13T22:29:00.000-07:00

I like pizza with pepperoni and sausage and I like pepperoni and green peppers! what do you like?

and again.....

2009-05-31T01:30:00.000-07:00

And again I sit here not knowing what to write or who even reads this silly little thing besides me. I don't know what I am doing half the time and the other half I wonder if I am doing it right? I don't know, I know that it is my faith that keeps me going. My faith in GOD, my faith in goodness but the days when goodness is harder to see and I find my self struggling to get closer to GOD those are the the days that I just pray......

The great flood!!

2009-05-20T22:46:00.000-07:00

So have you ever had something happen in a way that you can cry and laugh at the same time. That is what happened to me on Tuesday afternoon. I got a call at about 5 pm telling me that my house was flooded and that I needed to get home. The funny part is that because I don't have a cell phone, 2 of my neighbors came in (one through an open window)and started going through my caller Id to see if anyone knew where I was or how to get a hold of me.When they did find me they told me that water had been pouring out the front and back door, so everything that was on the floor is either in my bathtub and what could not be saved is in the trash,So the solution that I like best and had to make a lot of phone calls to make happen is we are going to move to a vacant apartment. I am actually excited because as bad as it may sound it is almost like starting over for us. This new apartment will not have all the connections to my mom and will really allow me to make it ours instead of my mom's. So yea it will be a lot of work moving everything but I move one room at a time. Trouble is I still have to transfer all the utilities and everything!!! That's going to be so fun to do...Any ways that is what is going on in my little corner of the world.

Oh yea the amazing crazy part there is no sign as to where the water came from.

New Pics

2009-05-13T23:15:00.000-07:00

So here is the thing I went to visit my friend Melissa and her family, the whole family (there are 7 of them counting her mom) for dinner and yet when I got home the only pictures that where on the camera was the ones that Domi too and those got deleted because they where mostly blurry. The only other ones were of Delayna and I so I thought I'd share. I don't take pictures of me very often and well here they are!At least the best one's!..lol

Well then when I got home I was playing around with the camera because, well I was bored and I think that I look better with bangs...what do you think? (I also think that I really need to add contacts to my wish list!)

Ok so yea I am old...or older

2009-05-07T15:08:00.000-07:00

So today I went to pick my niece up from school she goes to Susan B.Coombs (remember that name..lol) any way as I was waiting for the bell to ring I saw all the buses pull in and instantly thought of my very first day there. I was so scared. I sat next to my good friend Tyree Sloan. I was so scared that I remember looking at her and saying can we go home. But then the more I thought about it I also remember Mr. Wells class (8th grade) and how much fun he made science and how amazed I was to find out that he recommended me for biology (as a freshmen in high school I was super happy not to have to study plants) I remember dating Matt Olsen (he was such a cutie). That is also the same school that I got in trouble at for walking out of class all the time. OK so it was one class Mr. Gross's ( I had bladder issues and was too big to pull the peeing in my pants trick).But mostly that is where I met Elizabeth (GO!! colorgaurd), or would walk to Tisha's house, sometimes I even got to spend the night at Paul's (he was great, only later did I realize that (He was also gay). Jr High was so much fun and just sitting there in my car made me really remember how great it truly was. I guess appreciating things after they are long gone is all part of being a grown up. The days of yellow school buses and school bells are far behind me now, and ending sooner than I want for my daughter. I want her to really enjoy her school days as much as I did, and not have to wait 20 years to know how really lucky she is.

Trust and stuff....

2009-05-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

So I am stepping out big time! I put a couch set on layaway the other day after struggling with it for a while. See there are thing that I like and never get because they, cost too much or they are to nice. Here's the thing P.T. talked on Sunday about our words and how we have the things that we have because of our words. This goes both ways good and bad. So the desire of my heart was a new living room set, would actually got o the store and visit it and think about how to get it. I had honestly given up on owning it. Sunday after church, I was watching T.V. and this commercial came on saying that the sale had been extended by one week. I took action I went and made a down payment to get the layaway started. Walking out I just kept praying that I know that God wants the best for me that I am not destined to live in poverty. Well now two days later I am being tested. I am sick, my head hurts and I don't want to do anything since the swine flu started I have said that I am not claiming that for me or my family. So I get my throat checked and what do I have but strep...not fun either but I can deal with that.

Pictures!

2009-04-29T00:28:00.000-07:00

Some of these pictures are so pretty that I can hardly believe that I am the one that took them. These are all from when I went to Woman's lift conference. On our free day Arlene and I went to the pier and the chef told us of this really beautiful park with the cross. I am so thankful for friendly people!

The First picture is from when we first got there. Arlene and I have a similar hobby in taking pictures. I caught her taking some of the city below

The next one is of some men flying their airplanes, men and their toys right?

I really thought that this tree looks like a dinosaur although to as Cera she says it is a giraffe.

Then I started focusing on the cross and the surroundings, these are my favorites!!

Enjoy friends!

Where is everybody?

2009-04-26T16:48:00.000-07:00

Where is everybody?? My phone has not rung even once science I got home yesterday! no blog updates from my friends, no facebook updates nothing! Am I dreaming am I still asleep? or is everyone that tired from their weekend? The only other option is that all my friends where abducted by aliens?? Some pretty good reasons I think.

A little of this and a little that....(ok so its a bit long)

2009-04-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

I am so overwhelmed by so many things. I am excited about going to woman's lift this weekend. I am so grateful for my wonderful friends..Tisha you are so amazing at finding another way to get things done. I just mean you always have more than one option and I have really learned the importance of a back up plan from you. (I love you)Elizabeth you are so strong and don't take any crap from anyone, I am doing my best to follow your lead.I love you and your new blessing, although I am scared for you and what could happen, I am also so happy for you and cant wait to meet the new little one. Melissa I am so in love with your family. I love you and I love your babies but I absolutely love the feeling of joy and love and peace that I feel every time I walk into your house. I love Jose for the way he takes care of you guys, and pray that I am able to find a man as wonderful as yours!

OK moving on!!

Last night my baby told me that she still needs me. I know that she needs me to provide the basics, but last night I went into her room to talk to her while she was rewriting her speech. When her answers started to become less consistent. I told her that I was going in to the kitchen to check my email and stuff.She looked up and said "you know I am going to follow you right?" I was surprised and asked why.She told me "your like a security blanket, I need you close to me sometimes". I had no idea how to respond to that. I actually almost cried. Then... So today I am getting ready to go to woman's lift conference and am super excited although I will admit that I am a little nervous about leaving both girls. It actually is Courtney that I am more concerned with only because she gets in these funks where she feels like she has to know exactly what I am doing all the time. It gets frustrating but she is getting better about going in the other room when I ask her to give me a little bit of space. I will take lots of pictures and write all about my weekend..I PROMISE TTFN

It's been a while...

2009-04-19T00:07:00.000-07:00

So.. its been a while. I don't know what to say. More to come tomorrow I got to think of something wonderfully brilliant to write.

A million little pieces........

2009-04-01T22:23:00.000-07:00

My head and heart are in a million different pieces and a million different places. I am happy for friends that love me and allow me to love them. I am grateful for god providing the money needed to pay the deposit on the woman's lift conference. I am thankful for spring and for the birds that wake me every morning with their song. I am grateful for an inner strength that I did not know I had. I am grateful for a wonderful church family and I am grateful for gods love and his peace. This week I am grateful for LOVE

umm yea!

2009-03-27T21:17:00.000-07:00

umm OK yea so it seems like he more that I pray the harder my life gets!! What is up with that?? Why cant things just be easy? The more that I pray for my kid the worse her attitude gets, the more I thank god for a beautiful day the harder my days get! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! that's what I want to do just scream! and yell until I feel better. BUT I'll keep praying and I'll keep being thankful for the beautiful days (I love spring), but if your reading this add me to your prayers because there must be something god is preparing me for. I can't wait to see what.

The Power of a name!?!?!

2009-03-24T23:45:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking about names recently. I know that there is a meaning for every word we speak but what about names? Is there any meaning for names, or do we give them to our children based on how they sound or in my case how they are spelled.

I was left wondering about the power of a persons name. I will freely admit to anyone that asks yes my daughter is name after not one but 2 cartoon characters. Her first is Cera yes like the dinosaur. I thought of it as a compromise on Sara and Sarah, then of course there is her middle name Jasmine after a Disney princess. So for tonight I decided that I would actually look up the meanings of several different names. I will start with my own. What does Jessica mean? God Beholds

Jessica first appeared in the Shakespeare's 'Merchant of Venice' and her origins are much debated. It is possible that Jessica comes from the Hebrew name found in the Bible as Iscah, which was translated in Shakespeare's time as Jesca.

ISCAH

Gender: Feminine

Usage: Biblical

From the Hebrew name יִסְכָּה (Yiskah) which meant "to behold". In the Old Testament this was the name of Abraham's niece, mentioned only briefly.

OK so we know that the internet is wonderful and all but what can it find for my baby's first name?

Cera

Origin:Latin
Meaning:From seraphim, meaning fiery ones
Form of:Serafina

SERAPHINA

Gender: Feminine

Usage: English (Rare), German (Rare)

Feminine form of the Late Latin name Seraphinus, derived from the biblical word seraphimseraphim were an order of angels, described by Isaiah in the Bible as having six wings each

OK so that one was not as easy to find...How about one more OK?

Jesus
Gender:Boy
Origin:Hebrew
Meaning:God rescues
Pronunciation:(hay SOOS); (JEE zus)
Form of:Joshua

JESUS

Gender: Masculine

Usage: Theology, Biblical

Pronounced: JEE-zəs (English) [key]

English form of Ιησους (Iesous), which was the Greek form of the Aramaic name יֵשׁוּעַ (Yeshu'a). Yeshu'a is itself a contracted form of Yehoshu'a (see JOSHUA). Yeshua ben Yoseph, better known as Jesus Christ, was the central figure of the New Testament and the source of the Christian religion. The four Gospels state that he was the son of God and the Virgin Mary who fulfilled the Old Testament prophecies of the Messiah. He preached for three years before being crucified in Jerusalem.

What names are important to you ? What do those names mean?

Ok so now what?

2009-03-23T14:37:00.000-07:00

So a few posts back I wrote about me and dating, most people that know me know that I am not a patient person. I signed up for not 1 not 2 but 3 dating sites. Yea a little much I know, but I just thought that the more exposure I had the better my luck would be. Boy was I wrong! I had barely any responses and yet I kept the ads up. Well I had been feeling like it was time to just wait and not mess around with them any more. So the other day I deleted all 3. I don't miss them, I am/was not sad or upset about doing it. It actually felt like a relief. So now what? I get on the computer and only have to check my email, my facebook and blogger. I may even delete my yahoo simply because it has too many connections to a past that is no longer me and the screen name is just slightly inappropriate. A thought just occurred to me, less time on the computer should mean more time for me to be in my bible studying for Friday nights. I really enjoy bible study and find my self inviting just about everyone I know to come with me. MAN I just realised I will not be there this Friday, game night (softball) !

Thoughts and things

2009-03-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

So I have not written anything of my own in a bit and I know that, I was just in a spot where I thought I had nothing to write about. Then I went to bible study last night. See I go every Sunday and there are few reasons that I would miss, and I was going to bible study on Friday nights that I totally love. Well with miss Cera's practice schedule slowing down I found my self able to go to both this week. Now If I could get Wednesday prayer meeting that would be a good week! Any way's I learned a lot. For starters the left side of the church is always more full then the right. Don't know why that is maybe because it is closer to the door?

Then I also learned that P.T. reads my blog. I don't write anything that I would be ashamed for him to see or know but I still found it surprising ( a good surprise). I am not trying to put my self down here but I just did not think he had that kind of time, but then what better way to get to know someone than here in the blog world. Many people write things that hey would not tell anyone else simply because the internet is so big that the words written here are seen by few if at all. Well people do read my words and sometimes they comment on them and sometimes they don't. My only hope is that on some days it helps someone else know that there are other people going through the same things that they are.

Then the subject of last nights message was PEACE wow! Pastor mike !! His style is completely different form P.T's but the word was so strong. This is what I got from it....
Numbers 25:12
12: Speaks of the Covenant of Peace. Pastor Mike gave the definition of peace as

1: a state of tranquility or quiet: as a: freedom from civil disturbance b: a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom peace> 2: freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions3: harmony in personal relations

Well personally I have been able to enjoy all 3 this last week. A big blessing for me believe me!
Well then in verse 13 it speaks of being zealous. I kinda know what it means but just for fun here is the actual definition.

Zeal : eagerness and ardent interest in pursuit of something.

Am I zealous for my God? or is there room for improvement?

Copy Cat

2009-03-13T01:30:00.000-07:00

OK so I know that a lot of my friends think that I am strange for doing the Internet dating and that I am never going to find any one telling the truth. Well it seems that recently my luck has started to change. I went on a coffee date today that actually we a whole lot better than I had hoped. We got along great and it seemed that we could talk for hours. Well on one of the dating sites I am on (1 of 3) there is a guy that sends me sweet notes every day. Well I decided tonight to read more about him on his blog and besides being cute he is a really excellent writer. His writing makes me want to know more about him. Now as a single Woman I get asked a lot what am I looking for and the only thing I can think of is A real MAN. Well what does that mean and I am sure that it means something different to each woman. So getting back around to the point.. tonight on his blog I found his definition of a real man and well I copied it...and I am going to share it with my small audience of 4. Enjoy ladies!!

1) A REAL MAN respects his mother and places his family first.

2.)A REAL MAN RAISES HIS KIDS, not JUST out of pocket either.

3.) AREAL MAN supports his woman to develop herself.

4.) A REAL MAN doesn't worry about what others depict as a real man. Walk in his shoes first and then tell him what makes him A REAL MAN.

5.) A REAL MAN doesn't Break Promises

6.) A REAL MAN calls you beautiful, not hot, sexy, or fine as fuck.

8.) A REAL MAN CALLS YOU on a daily basis - NO MATTER HOW BUSY OR TIRED HE IS.

9.) A REAL MAN looks past what he's heard about you or what his friends think of you.

10.) A REAL MAN wants to spend as much time as he can with you& won't get sick of you.

11.) A REAL MAN comes over just to watch movies with you.

12.) A REAL MAN kisses you on the forehead just because.

13.) A REAL MAN doesn't tell you what he thinks you want to hear. He tells you what's real.

14.) A REAL MAN should be treated like one.

15.) A REAL MAN doesn't ask questions when you say you need something..

16.) A REAL MAN lets others know How He Feels About you.

17.) AREAL MAN doesn't play games!!!!!!!!!!!

18.) A REAL MAN doesn't leave you to go and hang out with his friends if he hasn't seen you in a week and then call you at 4 in the morning because he needs some loving.

19.) A REAL MAN doesn't deny you.

20.) A REAL MAN doesn't just think about sex.

21.) A REAL MAN Doesn't Judge the book by the cover.

22.) A REAL MAN wouldn't use his friendship card to get what he wants.

23.) A REAL MAN knows the difference between a REAL WOMAN and a random girl.

24.) A REAL MAN won't degrade a woman with words nor will he ever put his hands on her in anger.

25.) A REAL MAN sends you flowers Just Because.

I would like to think this is me......

This is easily the best description that I have ever heard but never given.

I know I need to make some changes (Its a long one)

2009-03-09T14:09:00.000-07:00

So there have been things going on my life and I have made some very strong decisions as far as my personal life and even went as far as to tell a few friends as a way of making sure I was constantly checked and held to the promises that I made to God and to myself. Well Sunday morning I was really challenged. P.T. continued his series on relationships that matter. Me, Myself and everyone Else.

I asked my self 2 important questions.

1.) What do I need to do get closer to God?
2.) What is keeping me from getting closer to God

Well the first one is me, what do I need to do. these are things that ONLY I can do. Not something I can hope or expect someone else to do for me. The second one addresses my issues what THINGS am I putting before God and my relationship with him. Neither one of them are easy for me to deal with but I know I have to because I know I WANT to be closer to god.

*EVERY RELATIONSHIP ENDS UP SOMEWHERE, FEW RELATIONSHIPS END UP SOME WHERE ON PURPOSE*

These are the 4 questions that P.T. posed

1.) What relationships need to be initiated? Eccl 4:9-12 (P.T. Gave 9-10)

9: two is better than one. Even in Gen 2:18 it was always intended that man should not be alone.
10:When you fall by yourself who is there to pick you up? If someone is there with you then they will help you up.
11:Again the Holy Spirit is pointing to the value of relationship. Shared heat is much more then yours alone.
12: Matt 18:19-20 also speaks about the value of coming together in his name.

I need someone and someone needs me! I should not be selfish by keeping myself from others.
Luke 6:13 Who's life am I poring into? Who is poring into my life?

What relationships do I need to initiate to bring them closer to god? What relationships do I need to initiate for me and my relationship with God? *You can never mentor with out permission* I know some people that I would like to ask to be my mentor so that I may learn from them.

2.) What relationship needs to be nurtured? *The relationships that matter the most take time* Gal 5:13-15 Serve one another in love, so that we don't destroy each other. What do you think is the biggest destroyer of church members? Personally I think it is gossip. John 13:34-35
34: This is going beyond the old commandment in Lev 19:18
35:This is god type love that can only be understood by accepting Christ as your saviour. *No one wants to go where they are not going to be loved*

OK so it is in these next two that I became really convicted, these two really deal with my current drama. That thankfully is over.

3.)What relationship's need to be restored? Col 3:13 Deal with each other. Forgive as the lord forgive me. *It is easy to forgive, but not so easy to heal* Romans 12:16-18 (P.T. gave 17-18)
16: treat everyone the same no matter their station in life. What you do to the lowest of people when no one else is around shows who you are.
17: Don't repay evil for evil
18: For as it depends on me live at peace with everyone

I then asked my self, Is love present in ALL my relationships? Question 4 was the biggie for me because as soon as P.T. Asked I knew my answer. Now I know I must pray for the strength not only to sever these relationships but to keep them severed.

4.) What relationships need to be severed? 1Cor 15:33 Bad company corrupts good character. Any relationship of mine that is hindering my relationship with God is a relationship that needs to be severed. 1Cor 5:11 Who are you hanging out with that you should not? Who is claiming to be a christian and yet their actions go completely against God? That person you should not even eat with.

Yea I know a person like that in my life and I don't want to be corrupted by them.

My baby and babies...

2009-03-05T18:46:00.000-08:00

So any one that knows me knows I love babies. I love to hold babies and I love to babysit and I hope and pray that I will be able to own a daycare center and become a foster mother because those are the things set in my heart. Well today I went to visit my friend Melissa and bring her some baby things. I of course waited for Delayna to wake up before holding her. I love visiting Melissa and Dominic is just super cute. He read me a story today. He is just growing so big. Well any ways before Cera and I left I asked, her if she wanted to hold her. Her answer was if I have to. See my daughter loves babies and thinks that they are cute but is too scared that she is going to "break the baby" . Now I don't know how a person could break a baby.Melissa and I told her how Delayana is not as fragile as she thinks she is. Well while holding Delayna, Cera told her about all the things she will get to do when she gets bigger. My favorite was Cera telling Delayna about being able to fall in love. Plus Cera promised Delayna that she would watch her graduate from high school. Think of that my Cera watching Delayna graduate in 2027. Yea thats crazy!

Drama

2009-03-04T22:56:00.000-08:00

So the drama is dead well I hope that at least my part of it is. I hope....

2009-02-26T17:17:00.000-08:00

I love my daughter! She saw Melissa's cool signature thing and made me one too. I tried but could not figure out where to put the HTML code. She is so smart!!!

Free writing.......

2009-02-25T23:33:00.000-08:00

OK so I don't mean free writing like my other writings have cost you anything other than your time. But I honestly can not think of a topic and yet I have a desire to write something. But what so here are the things that I have going on right now.

1.) My patience is being tested by my daughter, she is on this thing ad I don't like spanking her but she is getting closer and closer every day. I mean she goes from being calm and quiet to this raging ball of anger in like 10 seconds. I think I am putting more discipline in her life in some areas while in others she is getting more freedom. I may just cut all of it off and she will have no privileges. That's not something I want to do either. I know, I know parenting is not always about what I want to do it is supposed to be about what I need to do.

2.) My sisters SSI check from Feb has yet to arrive. I know crazy right. Well for an explanation of that just read about all my bank issues. By the way I decided to make the move to B of A and hope for the best. The trouble there is that things are getting pretty lean. I am current on all my bills and paid my tithe already. That is the advantage of it being a set amount. So it is the extra that I am missing out on. the Starbucks money the MC Donald's money, the Wal-Mart money. So I am just waiting.

3.) My cousin Danielle, I told her that when I got my tax return I would see about flying her out. Yea well the tax return paid bills, bought dressers and helped pay for a party. I did not mind any of it at all. But without the extra of the SSI and then the trouble of the bank I did not have a CC to buy the ticket and she keeps calling me! So I will probably still get her a ticket but at a price that I am not completely happy with.

4.) My house is a mess! I don't know why I can not get in to the grove to get this place clean like I know that I want to but it just ends up depressing me more. I know that if I just did one room at a time I could tackle it all but I just don't seem to have the motivation get it done. I will admit that I went to visit my friend Melissa today and I completely enjoyed it. I realised that I don't take much time for myself. While I was there I watched a video with Domi and held her new beautiful baby. I was so relaxed. I love Melissa..

5.) Tomorrow is baby day for Tracy! I wish her only the best tomorrow, I am praying for her and her new little one.

6.)Saturday is baby Delayna's day! I know that it will be fun and Friday night I am probably going to be at Melissa's house getting party stuff ready.

OK that's enough for now......

I love surprises!

2009-02-22T13:39:00.000-08:00

I love surprises and I am even getting to love the little ones. Even like last Friday,instead of going to softball practice Cera went to bible study with me. I surprised at her following along. She was the one holding my bible (well actually my mom's) but she was turning to the scriptures as we where speaking of them. We got another surprise when we found my mom's writing in the bible that was right along with the discussion. I was also surprised this morning, see I was awake in plenty of time to be up and ready for church, but instead I went and laid back down. Well I re woke around 930 giving me plenty of time to get ready for church and although it is a house rule that everyone goes to church on Sunday I let them sleep. I am so glad I did. I needed this morning for me. I needed just that quiet time with me and god. God had a surprise in that the message I thought I was going to receive was not the one he had planned. Today was part 4 of pastors series the home field advantage. The message was titled A victim no more. As promised these are my notes, I hope that you my friends will look up and read the scripture for yourself.

The Definition of a victim is: 1)A person who is harmed or made to suffer by another, an act or circumstance or condition.2) A person deceived or cheated by their own ignorance.

The definition of Deceive is : To trick or mislead
The definition of Cheated is: To fool or swindle
The definition of Ignorance: A lack of knowledge

Emotions ie: fear, anger, sadness *When emotions change commitment changes.*
Josea 4:16 My People are destroyed for a lack of knowledge. The point that pastor made that I completely agree with is the the use of the word My he is talking about godly people not the ones that are lost or not the ones that don't know god he is talking about ME ( I always make things personal) I can be destroyed for lack of knowledge. I know about god but do I god? I have to make the decision knownot to be a victim. *Success in spite of the circumstances is a victor, using the circumstances as an excuse makes a victim. * I think that there is a big difference there. *Your past is the reason you are where you are, but don't make it a reason to stay where you are.*

1Peter 5:6-11
(6-7)
Gods timing is perfect. He knows the beginning and the end and the end from the beginning. Put your troubles in his hands.
(8-9)
Your not the only one that has troubles, You are not the only person struggling!
*What happens when the emotion of the situation passes?*
(10-11)
The struggle that you are going through is part of the process, the process to teach you a lesson , to stretch you spiritually, to remove something from you to settle you. Ways to avoid being a victim.
1) Your not the only one so don't make it all about you.
2) If GOD allowed it, GOD will bring you through it.
3) Prepare your self difficulties are coming. (1Peter 4:12)
4) Your response matters to rejoice is a choice that you have to make. (1Peter 4:13) After Gods glory is revealed you will rejoice with his exceeding joy.

Romans 8:31-39

Enjoy and read!!

Hospitals and things...

2009-02-20T00:19:00.000-08:00

Well it seems as though the baby parade has not stopped yet. Tracy a friend of Tisha's is due any day I mean she has been having contractions for the last two days. Well I rode down to the hospital because she (Tracy) has said that I could take the pictures of the baby. Well of course I jumped at the chance! But as we where driving there Tisha asked if I was going to be ok to go back to that hospital. See the new baby is being born at Desert Regional Hospital in Palm Springs. I told Tisha that I was just having the same thought, the difference being that this time I was going for a new life. That I new I could handle. There is so much personal sorrow when a loved one passes and how we each deal with it is different but the collective joy of a new life is so much greater. I am able to see that now and more than that embrace it.

Well lets see I as of now have completed date #2 for Feb. Yea no second dates yet. The first one well I thought we had built enough of a friendship to hopefully turn it into dating. Nope and I guess it was more the surprise of it being nothing than the actual fact of him not wanting a second date with me. I know right. Well I think that tonight's date was not was I was looking for in that I think I am too picky. I was annoyed at his cussing, his lack of eye contact but more than that he did not sit up straight at the table. How silly is that? but how interesting could the table at Applebees really have been. Oh well. I did get a laugh that before I left Azeria (Corey's daughter) asked if because I was going on a date was I going to be getting married tomorrow? Um no but I should also say here that my lovely friends have banned me from Las Vegas...

J.

Winning and Whining

2009-02-18T23:19:00.001-08:00

So here is an update on the whole bank thing. I won!! They reversed a bunch of charges and now I only owe the original 60 that caused me to be overdrawn. I was so happy to hear this but now I am left with the decision of do I stay with WAMU or do I go to B of A. I have opened the B of A account online and just need to fund it, and yet some how I still feel loyal to WAMU. I know Crazy right its just a bank. I am not happy with the corporation but the actual branch....I like all the people there and they where very helpful and just as frustrated with the situation as I was.

I am so bothered by people that do incomplete work. I called last week to request a paper SSI check for Courtney and the woman said that she would remove the direct deposit info and order a paper check be issued. Well I called today because I had not received it and it has been more than the 5 days I was told. Yea the other lady did not order the check! So all the things I was going to take care of are going to have to wait another couple of days to handle. I have not gotten to worried but it is frustrating.

So I am off to bed and will do what I can with what I can tomorrow.

J.

Get your tissues ready....

2009-02-13T23:13:00.000-08:00

A lot has been going on and I wanted to take the time to do something that I have not done recently. I want to talk about my mom and my memories of her.

My mom was 20 when she got me, and two days later she turned 21. May 11th 1978 is when she became a mom, not just any mom but my mommy. Things I know for certain NOBODY snores like my mom. Not a single person I have ever met has been as loud as she was. The strange thing is that's how I knew she was home and everything was ok. I could be in my room and hear her, her snore was a comfort. I remember living in Perris and we had a little apartment and we always left the screen door open because there was a stray that mom had started feeding and this stray cat would come inside and eat. I thought mom was cool for feeding the cat, and when the stray had babies those babies where born behind our couch. I remember my mom and I walking to church from a friends house when I was about 5 and I said something don't know what it was but my mom popped my mouth. It really hurt. I remember that she would clean my room at night even sometime vacuum and rearrange while I was sleeping in the bed. I know that when she put me to bed I would only stay in my bed about half the night before I was in her bed with my leg propped up on her hip.I know my mom used to work at the Bank of Hemet, in the drive through and when I would go to work with her she would let me send the tubes back to the people or pick the color suckers for the kids to get. She gave all her spankings with a wooden spoon and would get so mad when one would break over my hinie. My mom made doughnuts out of biscuit batter and covered them in sugar. My mom let me name all of our cars. My mom took me to church every Sunday that I lived under her roof. She still did not like that I wear jeans to church now. My mom thought I looked good in yellow! My mom was there with me when my daughter was born.She cried so hard. But told me she was proud of me for my decision to raise my daughter. My mom attended the church at the same building for 20 years. Always believing that it was going to grow and get big! My mom loved Emeraude perfume, and anything green. My mom had a lot of truly wonderful friends. I remember my mom dating. My mom gave me a little sister. My mom did not like any of my husbands. (3) My mom liked watching all the court shows, Judge Judy was her favorite.My mom was good at keeping secrets. My mom made scavenger hunt games for me and my friends.

Then in October 2008 she got sick.She was in the hospital and wanted to be home. So on October 30th she came home. Then October 31st she returned to the hospital. I called her every day and she kept telling me that she was fine and that I did not need to come.(I was in AZ) then Sunday October 5th I got a call asking for permission to put her on a ventilator. I agreed only if it would help her. With the finical help of friends I drove the 4 hours with my daughter not knowing what I was going into, see mom had always come home from the hospital. This time seemed much worse, but I kept telling my self that she would come home. She was my mom, I still needed her. But that day when I got to the hospital I knew I was not going to be allowed to be mommas girl any more. I had to be a grown up. I had no idea what was in store for me the coming week. That first time I saw her she had color, she was still in there and I believe that she could hear me.I told her it was ok, that she made me strong and I would be for her. I promised her that I would take care of Courtney. The next time I went to see her there where others from the church there. She still looked good but that was the last time I let the girls see her. I went once with a very good friend of mine and her mom and taped Cera's picture to the wall above her head. The doctor pulled me aside and asked how long I wanted her to be like this, I told him that I knew we where close to the end but did not realise, just how bad things where. I called the family and talked to them and the local ones said that they would be able to come in two days. Mom did not wait that long. I dropped the kids (Courtney and Cera) off at the church Friday night for the lock-in, in hopes that it would be something normal for them while I just breathed, but I didn't I didn't sleep and at about 7 I called the Dr's to check on my mom and was told to get there as soon as possible. I called Melissa and asked her if she could get my girls from the church when she got hers. I don't think I have ever gotten to Palm Springs so fast. When I got to my mom I could tell she was already gone. She did not even look the same. I told the nurse to get the Dr. because it was time, I did not want to have her body suffering any longer. I say her body because I honestly don't believe that her spirit was there any longer. I was there and I held her hand until her heart slowed and then stopped. That was honestly the hardest longest moments of my life.

My mom will be remembered by many people for many things, her teaching Sunday school, singing in the choir or her solos, her purple basket at Easter for doing plastic eggs, helping at every outreach in what ever way she could, the way she always wanted to know what was going on in your life, never complaining about her own. But the best description I have heard is that her spirit was bigger and stronger than her body and she is jumping and dancing with the angels. I know that loosing my mom was not easy by any stretch but knowing that she is enjoying glory and her riches that where laid up in heaven is the most comforting thought. I miss her presence but I have inside me all the things she ever taught me, now its my turn to follow in her example.

My life before banning...

2009-02-13T00:10:00.000-08:00

Lets see my life before Banning is very small because well I was 10 when I moved up the hill and that is pretty much where I have always been. But before Banning there was Hemet. I know I moved from one sprawling metropolis to another.There are so many things that I remember about living there, I lived at 700 S. Arbor Parkway Apt ? (OK so I don't know the apartment #). But I went to Whitter Elementary and My best friend was Elizabeth she lived across the complex from me but I spent every moment I could with her. Then there was Sarah our back gates faced each other and from my room I could see into her room. My babysitter had 3 sons one was my friend Armando Diaz and one of his older brothers was George. I remember letting Armando throw mud balls at me while I spun on the tire swing! His mom was so mad!!! She cleaned me off with the water hose before I was allowed back in her house then I had to wear mondo's clothes because mine where soaked. I remember our church, a small building that had an annex and in the annex was where Sunday school was taught. I know I got my first kiss from a boy behind the church. I had the biggest crush on him! He is/was the pastors grandson but to me he was my best friend. I remember helping my mom when she would work for Brother Anderson (our pastor) and she would let me put the shinny green labels on the white cassette tapes. I remember that there was a man at the church that for some reason called me Jessie Jeans, don't know why? (I was NEVER allowed to wear jeans to church) I know my mom's best friend was Richanda Sutterfield and we where always at her house.I remember that I had a set of adopted grandparents. They lived on a farm and I would get to collect eggs with grandpa and help them milk the cow. I honestly don't remember their names but I do know that I loved them just as much they loved me. I am starting to remember more and more things about that life, that simple happy life as I find more and more of these people on facebook. The Internet is a strange and wonderful thing!

J.
Tomorrow I think I'll write about my mom?!

my cupcake!

2009-02-11T22:57:00.000-08:00

OK so I admit it that I am an impulse shopper especially at night. So here it is I took Cera to get Starbucks after practice (I know coffee at 730pm is not good for anybody) but it was as a treat. So I was sitting in the drive through and the guy on the speaker asked if I wanted anything else. I said no but then, He started talking about a DOUBLE chocolate Cupcake! I am not a chocolate person but it just sounded so good. I bought it, I looked at it I took pictures of how yummy it looks, then I ate Cera's coffee cake and she ate my cupcake. How Goofy!! J.

hehe...

2009-02-09T09:27:00.000-08:00

Hold music is fun!

My sunday!

2009-02-09T00:48:00.000-08:00

So after church I took Cera to get her hair did! Well I had been promising her blue hair but as we looked and did research on it, kids where getting suspended form school for extreme hair colors so we decided on BLOND highlights! Yea I was nervous because she kept saying that she wants to Paris Hilton blond, yea no way! So the highlights are all over and it honestly just looks like summer came early, so how much lighter will it look when summer gets here and the darker parts get lighter too? Oh my baby is just getting to big.

Then my bestie Tisha found us at the hair salon. That was cool because Cera loves Tyler she calls him her brother! Its cute she has also has some adopted sisters Kier and Kalie! I gotta get them all in one place together. Well any way we went to Target and Ross and Target and then had dinner at Acapulco's it was good food (then Wal-Mart). They messed up on my order but fixed it and left me the extra food so I was happy about that? I mean who does not want more Mexican food?

I got home and things where the same! I don't know what I am going to do with miss myspace but I do know that I will be so happy when the next semester starts we are both going back to college!! Yea!! Some thing for her to do besides being on this lovely machine! Well I am off to get some sleep I have a war to win with the bank tomorrow!

J.